I hate myself sometimes...

For most of my life, I've longed to be included... and be a friend.

But whenever I managed to find myself at a friend's place for a party, or at some event, or something, I just... freeze. And when forced to unfreeze, I panic.

I've left so, so many get-togethers early. I always feel like an embarrassment. I freeze, which means I don't interact with people, meaning they don't pay attention to me, making me feel like I don't belong. So I just fucking leave. And that makes me feel left out & lonely again

There was one time at my then-friend group's annual end of year party, I couldn't stop pacing off to one side of the basement. I just couldn't manage it.

A couple times, people would come over and ask if I was ok. I wasn't, but I lied. Eventually I felt sick.

CW: suicide

I was just... completely overcome with anxiety. I mean, that was December 2015, so it was after my first term of university - and less than a month until my suicide near-attempt - my best friend helped me pull up my exam results online and found I passed everything

But it didn't help. It just... was a thing. At that point, I was assuming I was only 1 term into my 5-year program and I didn't know how I'd manage. It seemed hopeless.

And that gathering was one of the last chances to see my friends for months - because we'd all be busy in uni

CW: suicide

So that made me feel worse. I was blowing the only instance of being with everyone together for a long time.

But as it turned out, my close call with suicide made me drop out. In another universe, I'd be finishing up the final term of my program this month.

But I'm still no better off than I was when I "dropped out" (at the time, I called it a 1 year medical leave, but the year came and went and I was barely any better).

4 years later and here I am, still not in post-secondary, still unemployed, still living with abusive parents...

This isn't where I thought this thread was going, but fuck do I still feel like shit