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I hate myself sometimes...
For most of my life, I& #39;ve longed to be included... and be a friend.
But whenever I managed to find myself at a friend& #39;s place for a party, or at some event, or something, I just... freeze. And when forced to unfreeze, I panic.
For most of my life, I& #39;ve longed to be included... and be a friend.
But whenever I managed to find myself at a friend& #39;s place for a party, or at some event, or something, I just... freeze. And when forced to unfreeze, I panic.
I& #39;ve left so, so many get-togethers early. I always feel like an embarrassment. I freeze, which means I don& #39;t interact with people, meaning they don& #39;t pay attention to me, making me feel like I don& #39;t belong. So I just fucking leave. And that makes me feel left out & lonely again
There was one time at my then-friend group& #39;s annual end of year party, I couldn& #39;t stop pacing off to one side of the basement. I just couldn& #39;t manage it.
A couple times, people would come over and ask if I was ok. I wasn& #39;t, but I lied. Eventually I felt sick.
A couple times, people would come over and ask if I was ok. I wasn& #39;t, but I lied. Eventually I felt sick.
CW: suicide
I was just... completely overcome with anxiety. I mean, that was December 2015, so it was after my first term of university - and less than a month until my suicide near-attempt - my best friend helped me pull up my exam results online and found I passed everything
I was just... completely overcome with anxiety. I mean, that was December 2015, so it was after my first term of university - and less than a month until my suicide near-attempt - my best friend helped me pull up my exam results online and found I passed everything
But it didn& #39;t help. It just... was a thing. At that point, I was assuming I was only 1 term into my 5-year program and I didn& #39;t know how I& #39;d manage. It seemed hopeless.
And that gathering was one of the last chances to see my friends for months - because we& #39;d all be busy in uni
And that gathering was one of the last chances to see my friends for months - because we& #39;d all be busy in uni
CW: suicide
So that made me feel worse. I was blowing the only instance of being with everyone together for a long time.
But as it turned out, my close call with suicide made me drop out. In another universe, I& #39;d be finishing up the final term of my program this month.
So that made me feel worse. I was blowing the only instance of being with everyone together for a long time.
But as it turned out, my close call with suicide made me drop out. In another universe, I& #39;d be finishing up the final term of my program this month.
But I& #39;m still no better off than I was when I "dropped out" (at the time, I called it a 1 year medical leave, but the year came and went and I was barely any better).
4 years later and here I am, still not in post-secondary, still unemployed, still living with abusive parents...
4 years later and here I am, still not in post-secondary, still unemployed, still living with abusive parents...
This isn& #39;t where I thought this thread was going, but fuck do I still feel like shit
