In the wake of Final Fantasy VII Remake, I’m going back to revisit the game that made FF7R possible and see if it’s as bad as our collective recollection (and my own) says it is

For the record I don’t remember it being a terrible game (that dubious honour goes to FFXIII-2) but I DO remember it taking 20 hours to actually become fun to play which is.....something to look forward to

Having most of the game take place on the inside of a moon-sized hollow sphere where you can look up at the “sky” and see what looks like stars but are actually the lights of the cities on the opposite side of the sphere interior??? Pure genius 10/10 world design

I really love Lightning’s anti-gravity device that she uses a lot in the first part of the game exclusively in cutscenes and never makes use of in gameplay at any stage ever

You know what else I like about this game?? How big the subtitles are - in the 2010’s the game subtitles got smaller and smaller until we reached Dragon Age Inquisition levels of miniature subtitles so small I had to move the couch closer to the screen to be able to read them

Already this game has surpassed FFXV in terms of *checks notes* actually having playable women characters

They introduce Snow by focusing the camera on his cleavage - that was Gay Rights right there

Gadot is like if Wakka from FFX was an armed revolutionary instead of being a racist sporty man shame he has 10 (ten) seconds of screentime in the entire game

It’s weird how the minor NPCs in this game actually look better than the ones from FF7R in terms of graphics

The victory theme that plays after the battles in this game sucks shit and is bad and it’s not good and it’s terrible

Vanille having an extra segment in her ATB bar when all the other characters don’t get one until they become l’Cie.....

Also Vanille’s weapon (the sort of Y-shaped fishing rod) is extremely good I absolutely live for zany weapons in RPGs it’s part of what made Tales of Berseria the best game in that series

If I was Hope, I would simply overcome all of my trauma and terror and grief and confront the man who I believe murdered my mother

So much of the criticism of this game’s writing (from rabid fanboys) really was along the lines of “this character behaved in a way that made sense according to their personality and circumstances but isn’t how I would have acted in their shoes and therefore it’s bad”

Like the writing absolutely isn’t great but it’s mainly because the plot is so aimless and meandering despite the stakes that the audience are presented with, rather than because the characters are poorly written (they actually aren’t at all)

What’s great about the battle system in this game is that multiple party members forget how to attack with their weapons and have to relearn the “Attack” ability much later in the game

The fact that the Eidolons in this game are literally Transformers is A+

Oh look they’re reminding me of a better Final Fantasy game

Cid Raines is definitely one of the hotter FF Cids
One of these days I should rank all the Cids from least to most attractive

Remember Bulbasaur? This is them now

The scene where Serah gets captured by the fal'Cie starts off by showing this screaming holographic face atop a skyscraper and idk what the fuck it even is but it's definitely high drag

When you touch him and he’s already wet af

This guy joins Rufus Shinra as yet another Final Fantasy Twink for Trump

FFXIII is great because every time Snow appears everyone else is like “aw this fucking guy again”

https://twitter.com/ninavarelas/status/1256351219318001664?s=21 https://twitter.com/ninavarelas/status/1256351219318001664

I guess the phones in this game were meant to look high-tetch but instead they just look like somebody attached 2 vibrators together

Remember when Hope’s VA, Vincent Martella, announced on twitter dot com that he was a Bernie Sanders supporter? How iconic was that??

I wish the whole game had been about the lesbiaustralians I care more about them and their enduring love than any of the other characters in the game

“Just gals being pals”

Snow spends like a full half hour of this game with no shirt on and you know what?? That’s Gay Rights too

The version of the Chocobo Theme that plays in Nautilus is extremely bad

It always annoyed me that out of the 4 big recurring themes that appear in almost every FF game (The Prelude, The Final Fantasy Theme Song, the Chocobo Theme, and the Victory Theme), only ONE of them appears in FF13 at all and it’s basically ruined too

Chapter 8 is ROUGH
Especially when Vanille and Sazh are your fave characters

“Don’t worry”

FFanboys: They’re just good friends!

Fang, upon being reunited with Vanille: I demand to see your ass cheek immediately

Even though he’s a boring and uninteresting villain, I really really like that first big boss fight against Barthandelus (and the other two)

In fact all the villains in FF13 are boring as hell - it’s one of the things FF15 did better

First time I played through this game is it took me weeks to defeat Barthandelus, and then over a month to defeat Bahamut
This time, I beat them both on my first try it’s amazing what actually understanding the game mechanics can do to help

Hope must have watched Fang get Bahamut and thought “damn I wish I had an Eidolon” cos suddenly like 5 mins later he’s getting one of his own
And I don’t blame him at all because if all my friends had a cool and unique summon spirit I’d want one too

I REALLY want to play as Vanille and just beat the shit out of everyone with a fishing rod but this game strongly discourages having a Medic at the head of your party by making your CPU controlled allies absolute fucking fools who target the wrong enemies in battle so I can’t

When they were designing the Pulse Chocobos in this game they clearly were like “hey what if we took this beloved and iconic adorable mascot animal and just made it fuckign ugly as shit“

I think Vanille’s Eidolon is my fave in terms of its design

“Eliminating the bourgeoui’Cie - a Marxist reading of Final Fantasy XIII”

I LOVE traveling through Gran Pulse and seeing all the ANCIENT ruins and then finally reaching Oerba and it’s the ruins of like a modern day city instead, complete with streetlights and a collapsed highway

The scene where Barthandelus appears to the party in disguise as Serah is one of my fave moments in the game although I’m always disappointed when he reveals himself cos the idea of the real Serah appearing and saying all of this sinister shit is wayyy more interesting than he is

All the playable characters have an Eidolon with an ultimate super powerful attack and they get to look all badass and cool as they tear shit up but when Vanille does it she just has an orgasm instead

FFXIII could’ve done with learning this important lesson: https://twitter.com/clickgate_/status/1256350887926280198?s=21 https://twitter.com/ClickGate_/status/1256350887926280198

Cutscenes like this one make me feel like this game was written by a group of 12 year olds
Idk what's even going on but it LOOKS cool and that's what matters apparently

Imagine being the fal’Cie of opening doors

What’s really fantastic about FFXIII is that if you fail to do the required 12 hours of level grinding on Gran Pulse the following section of the game becomes incredibly unfun to play

I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.

Watching Yaag Rosch struggling to breathe as he dies:

I really like the design of Orphan’s Cradle tbh