let’s set the scene. 17 year old jodie, young and naive and freshly heartbroken by an ugly boy. a tinder boy with a car wants to take me on a wee cinema date. i finish after-school study and walk to mcdonalds. he is late so after 20 mins of waiting, i order chips. THEN HE ARRIVES https://twitter.com/lucamccann01/status/1253819710891851777

we’re off to a bad start because he seems angry at me straight off the bat. he doesn’t apologise for being late. i make a joke about how he didn’t bring his cute dog from his profile, he doesn’t laugh and asks sincerely “why would i bring my dog on a tinder date”.

i ask what time the film is on, he says we’ll probably miss it because i ordered food.. despite the fact that i was finished my chips before he arrived late. he then says he’s disappointed that i ate without him bc he wanted to go for dinner after the movie.

i was like “Oh! sorry i was just hungry lol i can still eat later” and he then goes on for ages about how he was surprised to see me eating chips on a date (????). we awkwardly leave McDonald’s and go to the cinema.

he asks what movie i want to see. i suggest the new beauty nd

the beast, but say I don’t mind too much and will enjoy most of the movies on the list. he chooses a random artsy irish history thing (that was genuinely the most boring movie ive ever watched i still can’t believe i sat through it all for this man). i offer to buy the tickets

he says “I’d never let a girl pay on the first date! You can buy the snacks” and then asks for popcorn and chocolate and jellies and a bottle of water (BRO that shit cost more than the tickets where’s ur logic) nd i bought those bc equality nd all that jazz. we go into the screen

this is where it all happens.

me: i forgot my glasses so is it okay if we don’t sit at the very very back?
redacted: *sigh* i guess.. but the back is just better for..activities haha
me: haha the middle would be great

we sit down and he eats all the popcorn while the ads are on

he turns to me as the lights go down (we have been sitting in uncomfortable silence in a fairly empty screen until now) and says “put your legs on me”.

im kinda like ..what.. but dutifully oblige and put my legs on his legs

he begins RUBBING MY KNEECAPS.

not seductively

full on petting my legs like I’m a little cat or something? i put my head on his shoulder nd pray we just get through the movie w no more weirdness

not even five mins later
“can you take your legs off me theyre really heavy”
me: *removes legs*
him: put your head back on me

at this point i feel like a mannequin being positioned all around him but i stay for the movie anyways and we get through the rest of it w pretty normal first date awkward moments

movie ends.
redacted: that movie was really boring i wish you picked a better one

me: :0

me: haha you picked the movie lol
him: only because i thought you’d like it
me internally: I WANTED TO SEE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
me: :) sweet
him: anyways let’s go get dinner unless you’re too full from all the McDonald’s you had
me: ... *makes up excuse why i have to go get bus*

he INSISTS on driving me home so i say okay bc i can’t think of a nice way to say i’d rather get the bus

we go to his car and he asks what i think about it. i make polite convo about his car (???) and joke that he better not crash. he gets super offended and lectures me about

how rude it is to joke about car crashes. i try to change the subject and he continues talking about his car. i remember nothing about his car other than it was blue.

after a PAINFUL 40 minute car ride, we get to my house. he asks to come in. i say no and make an excuse.

i thank him for the date and say i’ll talk to him later, then i reach into the backseat for my schoolbag and he shoves his tongue in my mouth

me: *spits tongue out bc unexpected*
him: that was a bad kiss
me: yeah
him: wanna try it again?
me: haha no thanks maybe next time :)

i hope u have enjoyed this tale of the worst worst worst date ive ever been on, ive had catfish dates and dates that were awkward but this one is the Worst because the man just seemed to resent me for no reason for the whole date and was rude and weird and only talked ab his car