its really feels like i need to share this life changing battle of mine, life or death situation

i hope this will encourage everyone who are going through a hard path.

i was battling alone without knowing if i can survive or what, its like battling without sword. everyday im staring into my vital signs tho i don't understand anything on, hearing the monitor makes me even feel weak and ill. everyday injections, check up and the worst, swab test

swab test is my biggest nightmare, it feels like dying, eveyday i cried out of pain, im one of the luckiest ppl if i can sleep 2hrs straight without obstruction. lying on bed makes thing even worst like insensate. even lying down is too hard, everyday whisper is 'please'

please more air to breath
please let me have air even just a little
please even just a 30- 15- or 5 minutes break to feel the ease for me to hold on bcoz im so tired already
please let me open my eyes again and see all naked things i missed
please let me live

a day i woke up with heavy migraine its morning checking too when nurse will come on your room to do examination, i know what's gonna happen so i acted as if im still sleeping ignoring the torture of migraine. believe it or not it feels like a hell, so i cried for hour, enduring

its no hope tbh, i always find myself crying for nothing, just staring in ceiling makes me cry, seeing vitals makes me cry, even after a less sleep the first thing i did is to cry. no im not afraid to die, im afraid how lonely it was to be alone, its painful and traumatic

the other patient, 2doors away from my room died after 2weeks of battle, i can hear how they clean the room, i can hear the hinges that creep me out, i can hear everything aside from the vital music. its really scary, no one was there in 4 corner room but only you suffering alone

visitors? you mean those guy in white or green long coat who hide themselves in mask? carrying injections, needles, medical equip.

its really like another world, scariest than any haunted house. doctors will always say 'you're doing great nami' i want to protest how he lied

he should have done better and more encouraging, i know my body, they are doctors yes but i know if its in good or not. i know its only to encourage you and gives you hope but i never even wanted to hear any false hope

or maybe im just being too harsh to myself

squandering minutes over twitter and ig, that's how i live for months. that's how i calm myself after swab test, numerous examine and how i get rid with negativity. some ness and inspirit lift up my mood and positivity, most of the time. they are like angels during darkest time

im really giving up when its the first time i open everything to someone i don't know personally, they are the only one who knows my pain that i kept, they cried with me and became sad as i were. i hate when i worries them, i hate when they ask me to be strong tho that's makes me

smile. last thursday night when the doctor ask me to have a long rest and to be prepared for tomorrow's. i was wondering what might it be, when its the time there's 3 nurses approached me while smiling, i heard doctor beside me saying 'see, you're doing great' i suddenly couldn't

feel anything, that was the last nightmare (last swab test) nurse jin said while i was unconscious i was crying really hard but tbh i don't even know why im crying. for the past two days i've donw many examination for the follow up test and it all turns okay.

they said that its good that im still young with great immune system, maybe if i didn't stressed out things before i may be gone through this more earlier. yesterday when i saw some senior patient having activities, i can see them smiling tho no ones there with them, the rely on

each other and enjoying life facing battle. im realized that I've wronged things at the very start when i thogy this battle is like without sword, i've seen seniors staying strong wirh the accompany of others, that's their sword, they only knew each other bcoz of the same illness

they going they're going through, but its not on how that person knew you, its not how you well known each other, its still on how you give and draw smile on them with positivism, the sincerity and comfort will connects you both.
sometimes best comfort comes from random people

to my mutuals here thank u for cheering me esp to ate @LexiaSayuri_13, my fave @laila_nownew sweetest farah @multifansgirl and @moominyaa

y'all are my strongest medicine, we haven't known each other im struggling hard but you always put me in light and brightened me

all in all i have GOD who hears me out, i know He heard my pain for a month, i know He was there and never leave nor for sake.

i'll be discharge this coming tuesday if the results will only marks great, thank you for everyone's prayer its so precious for me.