I’m really afraid of people dying.
Not random strangers. MY people.
Nov 09 my Nan died.
Dec 09 my Dad died.
Apr 10 my Aunt died.
Then we got a bit of a break, but I didn’t really feel like a break at the time because we were a young family, all trying to just do life.

Feb 18 my Aunt died
Aug 19 my uncle died
Apr 20 my sister died.
I’ve honestly been to more funerals than weddings or Christenings in the last few years.
I’m down a Dad and a sister, 2 aunts, and uncle and a grandmother.

We haven’t come to terms with my beautiful Dad dying in 09 yet,so I really don’t know how we’re supposed to have the capacity to process my sister dying too.
Then there’s my Mam! In those few years she’s buried a mother, a daughter, a husband,a sister,a brother & a sister in law

Wrap your head around that!!! And then there’s my youngest sister, who was 14 when Dad died... how tragic?! Only now her nephew has trumped her by being just 12 and losing his Mammy. I’m not joking, your head would literally explode with the tragedy of it all.

So here we all are, just doing our best to get through it - no normality in the world whatsoever - no school, no work, no sports, no shopping, no face to face counselling services, no drop in GP visits, no long drives in the car.

A beautiful 16 week old baby, totally unaware of the madness around him, smiling up at us all, shouting at us, fake crying and making us laugh.

Waiting for Monday to come so we can grieve properly, live normally, breathe normally - but Monday never comes. So you live this really long, blurry day with no edges, trying to ‘be present’ -

but you can only be so present when you’re literally auto-piloting the same day over & over. So you think, and you think, and you think some more. You get afraid - “we can’t lose anyone else!” but then you realise, “I can’t control that! I have no say in that!! I can’t stop that”

And you panic (and by “you”, I mean “me”). People send messages “how are you and the family?”, “how’s your Mam?”, “how’s your nephew?”. GRAND! Grand! We’re all grand. I mean, what do ye actually say? I dunno if I even know the answer. I think it’s “ Grand under the circumstances”

I think it’s “we’re just taking it one day at a time and supporting one another as best we can” - because that’s the truth. We really are. I mean, what are the options really? That’s all we can do.

And sometimes we laugh and laugh hard, and then that feels a bit weird, but ye literally have to laugh or you’d go mad. The weirdest bit is walking up to Lidl for the shopping. Just walking around, seeing neighbours, doing the nod.

“Sorry for your loss, she was a lovely girl, gas, so sad” - over the carrots and onions. “She was, it is, thank you” and onto the tomatoes.
Next thing you know, you’re putting a trumpet in your trolley - just in case.

It’s all just mad, sad, and scary.
All I want is to live a nice long, healthy life with my husband, with happy, healthy children and maybe some grandchildren one day. I wanna be surrounded by my siblings & their children, and for my Mam to be star of the show for years to come.

I’m not looking for luxury lifestyles, to be the CEO of anything or to live in a great big fancy house. I just want my family safe & around me. I wanna do the big shop on a Saturday. I want to go for a drive on a Sunday & have a nice carvery somewhere.

I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to be broken hearted. I don’t want to think so much that my head feels like it’ll burst. I just want everything to be calm, relaxed and OK - for all of us. That’s it.
That just seems like a big ask right now, but lots of people have that.

That could be us too though. It could