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Riding on a happy high cuz I love my friends but also feeling like damn I needed that cuz my birthday is hard for me
I love that I can even talk to ppl rn and feel supported. Wasn’t always like that for me so imma get sappy and heavy for a sec for context as to why it makes me so happy and why I especially need it now
Even just a few years I couldn’t talk to more than one person at a time without crying. I failed assignments constantly cuz of it and was rlly lonely. I had to learn to hide it from my mom especially cuz I’d get punished for it. Which is rlly funny cuz....
Her parents loved me sooo much and gave me so much tender love to be myself without fear. I didn’t have as many relationships PERIOD let alone relationships where I felt absolutely no fear. They gave me so much encouragement, which my mom does now but kinda cuz they can’t anymore
I think it was my...23rd birthday they died? My grandad a couple weeks before (passed away from injuries from a car accident) and then my grandma a week later? (she was doing ok, also hurt in accident, but I think it was heartbreak)
It’s ummm hard to think about. They were actually gonna have the funeral on my birthday, that’s what was suggested. My mom made it for the day after. Idk how to feel about that.
It’s just funny cuz for the first time in my life my whole fucking family was there. My parents together in the same room for the first time in years. And like...95% of them were strangers to me and I was so anxious the whole time
Like i was suuuuuper attached to my grandparents. The only family members I had a 100% good, healthy, close relationship with and they weren’t around anymore. Sure it brought me closer to my mom and she’s a lot better to me now but...
That was cuz I had to make changes. I was just tired of feeling lonely or stuck and I wanted to be a better person to make it through an intense loss and also make them proud? I know it sounds stupid but still
So like... I guess I am proud of who I’ve become. I think it’s hard having these milestones in my mid 20s and they’re accomplishments but not the typical ones. I just miss some of the ppl who wouldn’t have judged me for it
So it’s hard getting older and hard feeling stuck and hard missing ppl and feeling that hole but...I’m also fucking killing it and I’m glad I can have fun with friends and not miss out on life
Ok end thread
Ok end thread
