Some friends invited me over for dinner last week and her husband pulled two mini pitchforks out of the china cabinet.

So you know this didn’t end with me dying but...

Why you got two sawed off pitchforks in yo’ suburban ass china cabinet for?

Me: “I was mistaken. I thought you invited me for dinner but now I’m realizing I *am* dinner.”

Right then his wife comes around the corner and says, “Well what in the hell did you get those out for?”

I was like, “Jig is up darlin’, and now I know why you pressured me to drink. I know you’ve seen me squat and you want these well marbled ham hocks but know that you gotta fight for a meal this good.”

I believe that line is why they abandoned the plot to consume me TBH.