i’ve never learned how to properly grieve....and i’m truly accepting that now.....that’s why i have so many random spouts of sadness, despair, and ruminating over past shit over and over. it’s not that i made the wrong decision to move on with my life...things just still hurts.

i just have to accept that and it’s been really hard. because i’ve always been taught that i have nothing to be sad about. or my sadness was always met with an explosive and chaotic response so i would push my shit back and take care of everyone. my sadness was a burden.

i’ve been through A LOT in my 21 years of living. i carry a lot and still put a smile on my face because i still believe there is always something to smile about. but i can’t always be happy and i don’t always have something to smile about at EVERY moment in my life.

sometimes i can’t smile for awhile and that’s ok too. i’ll smile again. just not right now.

shit just fucking hurts a LOT! and it feels like i have no one to lean on but i know it’s not true. i have community that wants to be there. i just have to be better at asking for help.