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ok so i have a habit of conforming in order to be liked. it sucks & i’ve been working on it for like ever. so i want to come clean on some things i’ve pretended to be obsessed with in order to be liked by other people. this doesn’t mean i don’t like these things/ppl btw.
Ariana Grande. I like some of her music but tbh a lot of her songs sound the same bc im just so overly used to her voice so it’s just not that fun listening to her. She does have bangers obvi that i like. but her personality kind of annoys me.
Gabi Demartino. Ok i do like her a lot. Her vlogs are always rly fun & i like watching her on Niki & Gabi. But i’m not the super fan i’ve kind of pretended to be. Ps, just to reiterate, i do like her. but i’m not obsessed.
Cam Sully. Yes, her positive quotes got me through like one tough time in january. but her personality is v different from mine & i just don’t vibe w her like i used to/ like i pretended to before.
Girlyness. Ok i was searching for my personality & style & who i was for sooo long after a rly traumatic experience in 10th grade. I really over-girlied myself just to have something that was *mine.* Nobody else @ my school was doing girly & preppy. It got me noticed. But it’s—
—not who i truly am. or maybe it was but now i’m super sick of pink and dresses and blah blah blah. or maybe that is who I truly am but I’m just so sick of that aesthetic and it’s not who I want to be. idk. but i’m gonna stop pretending about it.
Dove & Sabrina. they’re both gorgeous & from everybody who loves them, I’m sure they’re good people. I just don’t know enough about them & I don’t rly care? That sounds super rude but they just don’t seem like my vibe. They both have beautiful singing voices & i loved dove in MM.
Audrey Hepburn. Yes, she is an amazing role model for so many girls & guys and yes, i have looked up her quotes to remember inner beauty over outer beauty. But she was never *really* my role model, yk? I didn’t grow up w her & i don’t know a lot about her. I’ve watched 2 of her—
—movies & they were good. I just can’t force myself to love her the way she’s supposed to be loved and admired. I’ve lied about being obsessed w her & her being my role model & seeing all of her movies & whatever.
My whole personality. It all started in sophomore year, when i was severely bullied at school. I was left alone for 7-8 hours at school everyday with nobody to talk to except myself bc of drama that happened w my ex-besties. So i had to hype up my personality to keep myself—
—company. This made me abandon my old personality bc the situation that happened made me believe that my personality was the problem as well as my ex-friends. I created a new personality based on the online people from a show fandom i surrounded myself with that year. I dev—
—eloped a new personality that was, now looking back on it lol, super cringey & annoying bc i had to hype it up so much AND i was talking to the weirder side of the internet. Then coming out of 10th grade, I went back to a public school & I had a whole new list of insecurities—
—& anxieties such as “are people going to like me?” That question has caused me many many many mental breakdowns & had me allow myself to lowkey lie to myself & others in order to be liked. Anyways, I still had this personality that was due to my isolation in school. But I was—
—ofc worried ppl weren’t going to like me at this new school since the ppl at my old school didn’t. I decided to put on this whole alter ego of being bubbly & girly & sweet. It truly came off as fake in hindsight lol. But i was so desperate to not repeat what happened in 10th—
—grade. I even changed my voice to be higher pitched than what it was. Near the end of my junior year, my fake person started to fall but I still held onto it a bit by keeping my voice soft & sweet and being overly-kind. Then during the summer of that year, i just gave up—
—trying to be fake. I just let loose and i was perfectly fine. One of the best summers i’ve ever had actually. Then back to school i went, i was completely myself except I just monitored myself so i wasn’t too annoying since i still have a bit of that shitty personality—
—I acquired during sophomore year. Senior year was amazing. Second semester was great until my boyfriend broke up with me for the girl he was cheating on me with. It made me feel, for a long time, like my personality wasn’t good enough. So i started being lowkey fake again. —
—I mean, tbh i’m always putting on a bit of a front when i make new friends, especially (& i know this is shallow) the people who are popular in school. I do feel like my front has made me lose some potential friendships but honestly it’s too late now. Now during quarantine—
—this shit is all happening again. I’m starting to feel so lonely that i just want to fit in anywhere i can. I found Gabi and Ari and Cam and Dove and Sabrina’s hardcore fandoms and since then, i’ve been trying rly hard to fit in w them by being kinda fake, as u probably know—
—from my paragraphs above. Honestly i’m so tired of not being real & not being myself. It’s honestly exhausting. So this is me being really really real w you all. I’m gonna start being myself. I have learned to be more kind ofc but i’m not as sensitive as understanding as i—
—play off to be. I am rly understanding & nice tho lol but just not as much as i lead on to be. I’m trying to love myself & who i am & idk i feel like i needed to get this all off my chest. I needed to do this thread for myself, sorry if you’ve read it. All love.
