I'v had back to back failed relationships and I think I have learned alot (probably more than most). Lockdown has given me time to reflect on my experiences and lessons. I want to share a little about:

THE ILLUSION OF NORMAL

A thread

Our behaviours and mental processes vary widely between individuals.

Most of us consider our custom built behaviours and mental processes to be normal.

Here in lies the source of a lot of relationship problems...

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” ― Charles Addams

So here is a quick two step guide to help us deal with the illusion of normal FROM MY EXPERIENCE

1. CLEARLY DEFINE EACH OTHERS "NORMAL"
I have cried and caused others to cry premium tears, that is why I say it is important to clearly define "normal" to a prospective boo, bae or spouse, in EVERY FACET OF HUMAN life, and let them define theirs to avoid stories that touch.

I once dated a girl who thought domestic violence was normal. She told me about her history with abusive boyfriends and how she witnessed domestic violence as a child growing up. The day we had our first heated argument she walked away from me while I was talking,

I told her it was rude and should not be repeated (we earlier made it a rule never to walk out on each other especially while talking or hangup the phone on each other for any reason), she walked back to me looked me in the face, aggressively bumped me in the chest repeatedly

and said, "if I walk out on you again, what will you do?". Most people will agree that this right here is recipe to escalate things quickly. I didn't react because I understood her normal was twisted and the reason behind her actions. When someone thinks it's normal to correct a

partner with a "few slaps", it's domestic violence loading.
I personally advice people to talk; have deep conversations with a prospective boo to learn about their Normal. A great place to start is to talk about their childhood. The foundation of most of our behaviours and mental

are laid in the first 5 years of our lives so people who were raised in affluence and those raised in lack usually have different views and behaviours towards money.
Those raised in hostility & those raised in love will show different capacities to accept and express love, and

affection.
Those who were abused in the name of discipline also will show signs.
Put together our diverse experiences with money, love, siblings, parents, environment, relatives, ethnic cultures etc and you will understand how different our perception of normal will be

Talk about their circle of friends; what their typical hangout is like, games they like to play, things they talk about and their friends' relationships - birds of a feather flock together.
Talk about different life scenarios together, ask for their perspectives on posts from

popular relationship pages and those crazy twitter gists (whether you believe they are real or fried dodo).
A man who doesn't have one strong independent woman in his family may not be comfortable around a strong, driven and ambitious woman; his view of normal may be kitchen and

and za oda room. Even if he claims to be enlightened, when his woman truly starts to evolve into that strong woman in business and career, man will sha start acting out; don't blame him, it's a whole new experience
When you understand the prospect's Normal, it guides you to

decide whether to stay or run for your life. I strongly advice that the decision to date should be made on their present normal, their willingness to accept/respect your normal and vice versa
It is important to know your acceptable normal. Also break these down into categories

e.g Finance, Relationship, Career, Gender Equality, Physical Exercise, Sex etc, or finer details like BDSM, domestic violence, keeping in touch with the ex, savings, spending, cooking, doing chores, friendship with the opposite sex, cheating, polygamy, joint accounts etc;

whatever areas you consider important to you.
While you should listen closely to a prospect's views on many issues, it is very important to watch their actions and patterns, this will further reinforced some of their claimed normal or expose the truth.

If you are a spider don't even bother considering being with a fly in a relationship because it will end in premium tears

2. NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
We tend to see the world as a reflection of ourselves and our pasts
Just because you were raised a certain way doesn't mean everybody else was raised that way. Just because you know certain things doesn't mean others know these things. Assumption is

dangerous & has birthed many screw ups
We make a lot of assumptions based on our normal of how an adult man or woman should behave, after booing up we become disappointed.
Traits of deep seated Misogyny and Misandry, domestic violence, irresponsibility and recklessness are

hidden in what people consider to be normal. Making assumptions and refusing to have certain conversations will only blind you to the red flags.
Ask questions, talk, observe and understand the person who you are interested in or shows interest in you.
To some people it's normal

for a man to be wilding around town while the mother raises the kids and pays school fees... This could be someone's normal because that's how the father figure in their life behaved or what they watched other men do.
On the other had certain people have identified flaws in their

in their past actions, behaviour, decisions, thought pattern, and experiences, they now understand why they should break the cycle.
Don't judge people based on the past, try to know them and see them for who they truly are

This is what happens when someone makes assumptions based on what they perception of a normal relationship between a father and a daughter

https://twitter.com/dantrillington/status/1251130152081395715?s=19

In conclusion; learn to listen to opposing views of normal to understand them without necessarily shifting your stand or view. But ensure your own normal is founded on the principles of love, purity, compassion, sincerity & honesty

Please share some of the most shocking or diverse things people considered to be normal or abnormal in relationships....