It’s strange how despite my... erm... very loud apostate status I find myself conforming to religious sensibilities in silly ways.

Example: While shopping at the halal market during Ramadan, I hid my painted nails from the hijabi at the cash register.

I don’t think this has to do with any “internalizing” of religious norms in the direct sense.

I just *know* what is expected, and exactly how my deviance will be interpreted. There is also no chance of explaining myself or changing anyone’s mind...

I think it’s an interesting case of the nuances of social conformity as it plays out in every day life.

I’m very non-conformist in the “deep” sense, but (I realize) much less so in a surface-level sense. Small manners/appearances vs. major life choices....

My appearance is another example. I dress “normal”, quite feminine sometimes.

In some contexts, this is interpreted as a sign of a submissive / anti-feminist attitude.

But I am not “normal” in any sense of the word, not at all submissive, not especially feminine.

How I justify this to myself: there are times when confrontation/contrarian behavior is warranted and useful, and when it is mostly performative in a self-serving kind of way.

My “deviance” does not aim to offend as an end in itself. The offense is an unfortunate side effect.