I’m going to put several uninformed predictions about Kim Jong Un out there and then eventually delete the ones that aren’t true once we learn what’s going so that I look retrospectively smart:

1. He’s basically fine. He had some minor medical thing and he’ll be back when he’s back.

2. He’s dead and everyone else is trying to figure out what to do.

3. He’s seriously ill and they’re waiting for him to recover.

4. He decided he’s done with this leadership thing.

5. There’s been a palace coup and the plotters are getting their act together before they tell everyone.

6. He’s ghosted us. He went out for milk and never came back. They’re looking for him now.

7. He was talking with trump a few weeks ago and DT told him to inject bleach. He did and it didn’t go well.

8. He got a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow back before returning to the spotlight.

9. He got on that white horse he’s always on, started riding, and then just kept going. It was glorious, observers said.

10. He’s upset that episodes of The Last Dance weren’t released all at once and he’s busy trying to assemble a hacking team to get access to Netflix servers.

11. He learned that his name is on a card in Cards Against Humanity and so he’s making everyone play it and then having people executed if they play his name card in a not-funny way.

12. He got that guy from Better Call Saul to get him a new identity. He’s working at a Cinnabon now.

13. He’s trying to make bread while on lockdown and it’s taking FOREVER.

14. “It’s not us, it’s him.”

15. He’s on a high intensity all encompassing workout program and he’s going to come back absolutely shredded like @kumailn

16. He asked Xi Jinping a question that was really more of a comment and hasn’t been heard from since.

17. He’s playing Risk with Dennis Rodman cc @SchatzEd