[Content note: OCD and probably other mh manifestations as I go] Since the start of the pandemic there’s been loads of people saying “I am so OCD now” and various other inaccurate things about having (understandable and normal) worries about the pandemic. That is not what OCD is.

This is not a call out to any friends on here who have all been great. Just something I’ve noticed from the wider world.

[CN: suicide] I don’t like to talk about my OCD symptoms because they are always the things that freak people out the most. Whereas when I am suicidal I get nice “there, there” pats. That is not to minimise my other mh issues, just they do not scare people like my OCD does.

And OCD is scary really. It freaks me out. Here are just some of the symptoms I have gone through since the start of this pandemic:

Obsessive planning for *all* eventualities including if I have a major accident and we need to call paramedics (this includes a way for my family to drag me to the front door and leave me there so no paramedics come into the house)

And I mean hundreds of plans.

Disinfecting everything multiple times. Leaving things in isolation for excessive durations. Keeping my arms ‘locked’ by my sides for long periods of time so I definitely know I am not touching my face even though I haven't gone out beyond the garden in weeks

Going from someone who could teach rowdy teenagers easily to someone who cries at the thought of leaving the house.

[Content note: death and death related imagery] After a family death I now ‘see’ their dead body quite a lot (invasive imagery is common), I also 'hear' family members call for help when they aren’t and are absolutely fine.

Having to make up conversations with friends and talk absolute nonsense just because if they are talking and replying I know they haven’t died (and sorry for that btw esp for the random 40 minute conversation about referees)

Googling the reputations of hospitals near my loved ones just in case

Reading any and all studies into COVID-19

Pretending that this stress isn’t going on but then suppressing it has made me extremely curt and overly emotional with people - or when I am trying to be jokey it comes off as serious which means hurting people

Having vivid nightmares (not my usual recurring nightmares). Being trapped in memories and overanalysing every mistake I made (I do not envy Thane) and blaming myself for people dying because it must have been something I did when I was a drunk teenager and bad person

An increase of ‘rituals’ to keep people safe – these rituals vary. For some, it is touching wood for luck, others it is praying (including for non-religious people), for others it is journaling, walking the right way around a building, basically anything.

Being convinced (and I mean, so convinced panic attacks happen) that any second someone will call to tell you a friend has died. For no reason at all, you are living through getting news that someone you love has died. Imagine going through that over and over again.

Then being extremely guarded with new people because why make a new friend when it's just someone else to worry about

I couldn’t send people things for weeks (including stuff that might have helped and had to let others do it) because I was convinced I would be exposing them to COVID-19 and they would die.

Believing that if you have a moment of happiness then it has killed someone else so always self-sabotaging.

Being completely unable to focus due to stress. Chronic pain because of the stress. Hair badly thinning because of the stress (yes, I am a catch). Unable to sleep because of the nightmares, chronic pain and the stress. Forgetting to eat because of the stress.

Being worried everyone is going to cut you out of their lives. Also thinking it is better if they do and withdrawing from them because they are better off without you. This has included needing reassurance from my own mother I am very close to that she doesn't hate me.

Constantly battling with whether to access medication and support or not because what happens if the need to keep people safe dulls and then everyone dies?

So I know the pandemic is really stressful and it probably is causing a lot of people to develop OCD. *But* washing your hands a few times is more does not mean you have OCD. It can be a symptom sure but unless it comes with the severe dread and compulsive rituals…it is not OCD.

Stop using the term lightly. People not understanding the symptoms is a big part of why people are either fucking scared of people who do have OCD or completely dismissive.

Sorry to any pals who have read this and may have found these revelations distressing! I am okay. Just tired of seeing OCD minimised *constantly*. Esp when I fear many are genuinely developing OCD due to the pandemic rn. The ignorance is a major barrier to support.