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i think i'll keep talking to myself here but this time abt the time when i was living abroad by an exchange program
it will get sad cause i was struggling a lot back then so mute it
it will get sad cause i was struggling a lot back then so mute it
so in 2017 i was at very bad mental state but my uni had a contract with another one in france as an exchange program
as i wasnt that horrible academically and my language skills were good enough profs and family recommended me to apply anyway
as i wasnt that horrible academically and my language skills were good enough profs and family recommended me to apply anyway
plus i wanted to go somewhere abroad at least once in a lifetime not only like a tourist but to live
so i applied and as there were 3 places and 3 candidates all of us were accepted obv
it was a hassle cause everything was decided in 3 days
literally
so i applied and as there were 3 places and 3 candidates all of us were accepted obv
it was a hassle cause everything was decided in 3 days
literally
skipping preparing and traveling cause it was busy but okay
sidenote: after i left kyiv turned out that nct u were there a couple of days later and they were at the same terminal as me and even in the same lane or one-two away as i checked in at the airport
im so lucky yay
sidenote: after i left kyiv turned out that nct u were there a couple of days later and they were at the same terminal as me and even in the same lane or one-two away as i checked in at the airport
im so lucky yay
so my groupmates had a different dorm booked near the uni and i lived in a completely different district 20 minutes away by bus
i was completely alone in the dorm in the district of the city i didnt know
im okay with living alone thats what i wanted tbh but it was challenging
i was completely alone in the dorm in the district of the city i didnt know
im okay with living alone thats what i wanted tbh but it was challenging
my language was very very messy due to shitty mental state and being in a completely unfamiliar situation
i was so anxious
there was a chance for me to change the dorm so i barely unpacked anything thinking that i'll probably move out in a day or two
i was so anxious
there was a chance for me to change the dorm so i barely unpacked anything thinking that i'll probably move out in a day or two
i ate mostly premade food from stores cause i didnt want to unpack a lot of stuff in case i move out
i slept without a pillow and blanket covering with coat because 1. what if i move out in a day or two theres no point 2. i was too anxious to ask the dorm manager for them
i slept without a pillow and blanket covering with coat because 1. what if i move out in a day or two theres no point 2. i was too anxious to ask the dorm manager for them
though my skills for both english and french are at b2 level it was a _mess_ even in russian or ukrainian
i mixed up languages the structure of phrases was messed up and all these things
i mixed up languages the structure of phrases was messed up and all these things
so i didnt change the dorm
well at least there was some freedom for me to act the way i wanted without worrying abt groupmates
and the district was so nice i loved it a lot
so i finally unpacked completely after a week
well at least there was some freedom for me to act the way i wanted without worrying abt groupmates
and the district was so nice i loved it a lot
so i finally unpacked completely after a week
i started to go to meetings at the local lgbt+ center
they were very welcoming though i was extremely awkward and stressed and barely talked to anyone even if i wanted to a lot
turned out there was a russian speaking person
we became friends and i miss them a lot
they were very welcoming though i was extremely awkward and stressed and barely talked to anyone even if i wanted to a lot
turned out there was a russian speaking person
we became friends and i miss them a lot
this time was also the beginning of the therapy for me as i realized i cant get out on my own
i started to communicate with people more to go out to go to therapy but i still was very fucked up
i barely could study
it was very hard for me to read to write things
i started to communicate with people more to go out to go to therapy but i still was very fucked up
i barely could study
it was very hard for me to read to write things
! TW: mental health selfharm eating disorder
.
.
it was hard to understand what people were saying no matter what language it was
i had many breakdowns and harmed myself
i had many issues with food and eating
i skipped meals and binged later
.
.
it was hard to understand what people were saying no matter what language it was
i had many breakdowns and harmed myself
i had many issues with food and eating
i skipped meals and binged later
! TW: mental health
.
.
i failed at studying
failed hard and many times
i failed at everything tbh
there was so much self hate and pain and despair
i had so many breakdowns
.
.
i failed at studying
failed hard and many times
i failed at everything tbh
there was so much self hate and pain and despair
i had so many breakdowns
i still miss the city tho and this time too
because i could be free and do whatever i wanted to and look like i wanted to
oh i miss the city so much
because i could be free and do whatever i wanted to and look like i wanted to
oh i miss the city so much
TW: mental heath eating disorder
but i had breakdowns at least once a week or even every couple of days
i gained some weight and it was visible
i could lay in bed for hours without eating and going to bathroom
i was so dysphoric
yeah it was pretty bad
but i had breakdowns at least once a week or even every couple of days
i gained some weight and it was visible
i could lay in bed for hours without eating and going to bathroom
i was so dysphoric
yeah it was pretty bad
also i went to a party once
well i tried
i got the crumbs of my confidence together and went for it
at the place and after like half an hour later i realised tht pretty much everyone but me were lesbian/bi/wlw women
i forgot it was held by a wlw feminist organisation
well i tried
i got the crumbs of my confidence together and went for it
at the place and after like half an hour later i realised tht pretty much everyone but me were lesbian/bi/wlw women
i forgot it was held by a wlw feminist organisation
after sitting awkwardly for like an hour i left
it was like 1.30 am and i had to take 2 buses to get home but it was nice anyway
i love cities at nights
it was like 1.30 am and i had to take 2 buses to get home but it was nice anyway
i love cities at nights
i forgot why i started this thread and what i wanted to tell ksjdksjdk
