I wish you happiness Ethan. I can't finish nurse Baekhyun anymore. You will never read it, and I'll never finish it. It's called is it love or is it infatuation because you onced asked me that question too.

It's fictional. Of course it is. A lot of the scenes don't resemble us. But the feelings the two characters shared are almost the same. Even if I won't ever finish it, I actually knew the answer since chapter 2. What you've once asked me, what I once said.

The things that I can't say to you anymore, I made Baekhyun say it to Chanyeol. For some reason I can't hear you scolding me in my head right now. This, this, that, that. I can imagine everything you would say to me.

Regardless of what you would say or have said. I wrote on. Because I couldn't let it go. I could write love 500 times and I know you won't forgive me and turn back. I won't ask you to either. I like the you right now, with this new person. I like you smiling.

What is love? 700 pages later and I still don't know how to answer that. But what you've once asked me on whether I did love you you or not, my answer is in that story. Even if you'll never hear or read it. I didn't say it today, not because I am stubborn.

I didn't say it, because I know I don't have the rights to anymore. I've learnt a lot in that story. What I took for granted, what could have changed. I don't need anyone to understand that story. I just needed myself to know that what I did was wrong.

You're too kind. But at the same time you're like me. Stubborn. You're right Ethan. We could have been together, but I kept pushing you away. 1 year isn't a long time right? But to us, it felt like a lifetime.

I'm someone who is insatiable. Therefore I suffer. That's exactly why I can't be in any relationships. Ah. Sometimes when I read back to that story, I really wanted to scold Baekhyun. Was it that hard to be honest?

Was it worth it in the end? Of course not. But I won't really tell you that. The thing I hate hearing someone say is: "I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

I don't need your pity. I can't withstand that kind of burden.

I know you love me. That's why I call you foolish. I know I loved you, that's why I'll always hate Baekhyun's character.

I suppose I'm protecting that fic since I'll always be guilty for not protecting us. But now, I really don't have the ability to do so anymore.

It's so long, not because I have so much time and effort to write it. It's so long because I can't let this go.

You know how cruel I can be. Even if they all told me they love me, they want me. The only person I could think of is still you.

My desire for you is so toxic. Terrifying. You called it an excuse. I called myself insane.

What you onced asked me after I came back from Singapore. You're wrong. I had a place for you at heart. You were here. I just don't know why I said all those things

If we were together, It's not hard to guess. We would have a girl. It's what you've wanted right? Right now, we would have definitely been in a relationship. Married for sure.

I can't do that anymore. Neither would I be someone you can come home to and look forward to.

So I'm saying sorry to my heart. I can't protect that fic anymore.

I'm saying sorry to you, for regretting my choices.

What I couldn't do with you, I'll leave the spaces blank to that story for your future spouse.

We all are replaceable. But the ones that really last are unforgettable.

I'll put the pen down and Mark an X for the part where that story stopped and I'll tell you today the same thing as Baekhyun once told Sehun.

And the things that you've always scolded me for.

My thoughts are the same. In a way, I guess O stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that I made you happy. Because why can't your friends see it?

Or rather, why do I feel like you're always sad with me.

Communicate. That's what you said we lacked.

Truth is, it wasn't just with you. I lack that with everyone.

Ethan. I like your face.

You understand right?

My favorite person has the exact same face as you.

I'm kidding. You probably wouldn't. Because I won't have the chance to say it.

There's so much more I want to say. So much I couldn't tell you, and so much that couldn't be written. Who knows if you would see this thread or not.