Tomorrow morning, I'm hosting my fourth film discussion for the Denver and Douglas County Public Library organizations. A few quick thoughts about doing this thing online. First, I should say I've hosted literally hundreds of discussion and taught seminars for 15 years. I've

spoken before audiences of all sizes in multiple venues. I've sat on panels, moderated them... I'm good with it. No worries. Doing it online is TERRIFYING. It's incredibly scary. I have little panic attacks the entire day before and I feel nervous about it in a way I haven't felt

nervous about anything since probably sixth grade. I think it has to do with a few things:
1. I can't get the feel of the room
2. Whenever someone moves, I catch that movement and I try to unpack what the movement means
3. I have, ironically, no distance from my audience

4. I can't move around during my presentation to dispel tension or nervousness
5. I worry, constantly, about my connection quality
6. With the chat window open so I can field questions in real-time, I keep glancing at it whenever it feeds, thus derailing whatever thought I had

7. A part of my attention is constantly on what's happening in the house: will the dogs go after the squirrels? Will someone come to the door?
8. Without a real audience, I'm essentially just screaming at my monitor and it feels... psychotic?
9. Troll danger

Anyway - I'm very grateful for the lifeline these events offer to me and I've gotten very positive feedback for them so I feel like we're filling a social need while providing valuable content... but the emotional toll of them is exhausting. Is this just me?