Tomorrow morning, I& #39;m hosting my fourth film discussion for the Denver and Douglas County Public Library organizations. A few quick thoughts about doing this thing online. First, I should say I& #39;ve hosted literally hundreds of discussion and taught seminars for 15 years. I& #39;ve

spoken before audiences of all sizes in multiple venues. I& #39;ve sat on panels, moderated them... I& #39;m good with it. No worries. Doing it online is TERRIFYING. It& #39;s incredibly scary. I have little panic attacks the entire day before and I feel nervous about it in a way I haven& #39;t felt

nervous about anything since probably sixth grade. I think it has to do with a few things:
1. I can& #39;t get the feel of the room
2. Whenever someone moves, I catch that movement and I try to unpack what the movement means
3. I have, ironically, no distance from my audience

4. I can& #39;t move around during my presentation to dispel tension or nervousness
5. I worry, constantly, about my connection quality
6. With the chat window open so I can field questions in real-time, I keep glancing at it whenever it feeds, thus derailing whatever thought I had

7. A part of my attention is constantly on what& #39;s happening in the house: will the dogs go after the squirrels? Will someone come to the door?
8. Without a real audience, I& #39;m essentially just screaming at my monitor and it feels... psychotic?
9. Troll danger

Anyway - I& #39;m very grateful for the lifeline these events offer to me and I& #39;ve gotten very positive feedback for them so I feel like we& #39;re filling a social need while providing valuable content... but the emotional toll of them is exhausting. Is this just me?