We slow danced to Otis Redding in the middle of my living room, all while the scent of burning butter on the frying pan for the pancakes I was preparing to cook filled the air.

Earlier, I asked that for this weekend, let’s forget that this r’ship was complicated. Let’s just melt into each other, without hesitation.

She looked me into my eyes, and for a second, I saw the possibilities of what that freedom would look and feel like flash before her eyes.

She drove me around a deserted New York all day today, letting me feed her and myself the lunch I packed for our adventure: a honey turkey sandwich with a special sauce, sliced oranges, and a banana.

From borough to borough, we talked about any and everything.

Every now and then during a comforting quiet moment, she’d stare at me. Every now and then, at a stop light, she’s pull my face towards hers and kiss me deeply. Every now and then, she’d let me in. “You wanna know a secret?”

She didn’t like sharing secrets. She’s learned to.

Our conversations went from light to heavy, from short to thorough, from topics about the nuance in giving r’ships that fell apart a second chance to the heaviness and history of 125th & Lex.

We could run our mouths to the ground with the tennis of our opinions.

We parked in front of her favorite spot for churros, and I caressed her cheek as she kissed my palm. We recounted our first few dates together, laughing at the prematurity of the r’ship. And then she admitted she was afraid to lose me. She couldn’t do it again.

She said I deserved someone who was not afraid, and she is right. Day by day, I find myself mentally preparing for the day she’ll fuck up on purpose to “save me from her.” I hope she doesn’t. No matter the pain, I love her thoroughly. A beautiful soul afraid to realize it.

I finally finished our pancakes and we ate with appetite. And afterwards, I laid between her legs as we cuddled under a blanket, Floetry’s “Lay Down,” on repeat.

Her eyes were getting heavy. She didn’t wanna sleep, but as the song played, I stroked her cheek till she gave in.

20 minutes later, when she awoke, she pulled me close to her. Kissed my clavicle. Nibbled on my neck. Her soft moan in my ear. She slid her hand down my pants and massaged me to orgasm. Sucking my bottom lip. Tasting me. Told me how good it was. Made me giggle in between.

She kissed me sweetly at the door when it was time for her to go. Her hugs are solid. You feel so encumbered with protection. I was sad she had to leave, but happy tmrw would be a new day. A new adventure. A new experience. I just loved to be with her, and I know she does, too.

I want to wake up to her in the morning.
I want to build pillow forts in our home.
I want to cook us breakfast for dinner and have strawberry shortcake for breakfast.
I want to change the rules midway thru Uno with her.
I want to let her massage my feet and play “Little Piggy.”

I cannot wait for her, but I will enjoy this at the moment. It’s dangerous, but I’m not afraid. My mind likes to worry out of habit, but my heart works hard at accepting whatever will be will be.

And what’s to be right now btwn us is a love I haven’t felt in a long time.

Who knows.
She might surprise me.