I just read thru that lesbian masterdoc/list for the first time and honestly I rlly only relate to a few a lot of things I can’t say I’ve experienced

Like. Mostly the relationship w men, feelings towards men, etc parts. The only interactions I’ve had w men “romantically” were when I’d bounce around and have different boyfriends in elementary school like 3rd grade or sumn for a week. Which I think I kept doing bc I’d come home+

And tell my older brothers that I have a boyfriend and they’d make a bunch of jokes abt beating him up and I just thought it was hilarious.(at least I think cuz honestly my memories b4 6th/7th grade are a blur).After that tho I never rlly interacted w boys much besides friendship

In elementary school at least. I just remembered in kindergarten tho when me and my best friend both liked the same boy, and “swooned”when we saw him take his shirt off and then I chased him around the playground, bumped into him and he got mad and didn’t want to talk to me again

Which. Honestly we could break down that interaction A Lot. MAnyways the next bit interaction I had was when it was a family/close family friends party+I told my cousin that I thought a boy who came to the party was cute(his parents were close family friends but I never saw him

Anyways she went and yelled abt it to everywhere which made me very upset bc I was just telling her and then all my older cousins crowded Both of us bc they thought it was funny and kept asking me if I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I literally shrugged and was like “sure”

He lived in Georgia so I literally never saw him but I had the sweet perks of being like haha yea I have a boyfriend. I think this was b4 middle school so maybe 5th/6th grade. He was my “bf” for like two years even tho we weren’t allowed to be alone tgt lmaosns

My mom did not want me alone w a boy it was funny. I was determined to kiss him tho bc I wanted to have my first kiss out of the way WHICH THINKING ABT THIS NOW IS SO FUNNYJFJDK like I knew nothing abt him and I can’t rlly remember what I felt like near him but I remember being +

Impatient w him and like wondering when we could end whatever convo we were having so I could accomplish my goal of getting a kiss and being able to say I got my first kiss. Idk it was very important to me back then Lmaoo

I also remember him being rlly into me and drawing me things and I was always like haha cool. It’s funny bc he now tells ppl I was obsessed w him like boy I just wanted playground cred leave me alone

We only saw each other like twice a year and technically never officially broke up but It’s Clear that it died. And that was my last Anything w a man. Middle school onwards I was only friends w girls(excluding two boys who I was comfortable being friends w bc they were harmless)

In middle school, 7th grade I came to the idle conclusion that huh I could probably like girls why not? Like I fr was just thinking one day abt sexuality and was like yea seems probable, I don’t hate gay ppl I actually don’t get why ppl do so. And it was such a passive thing

Like Idk I know ppl say that’s not how you know but like..I fr just went “yea..I could like girls. I dont like anyone rn but If I liked girls I wouldn’t be opposed”+ just went with it. Eventually I told my close friends I was bisexual and all except 1 accepted it and it was chill

And my wonderful middle school friends were on my side completely and said fuck that friend. They even told me that that friend was talking behind me back and saying me being bi goes against her religion. But whatever that’s besides the point

Anyways I was like “yea I’m bi. I don’t have any romantic feelings for anyone but I can see myself liking girls. Like cmon? Girls are great and super pretty why wouldn’t I like girls?” See how Liking Men Was The Default. Still thought I Had to like men didnt even dare question it

And then it came....8th Grade...falling into the lesbian stereotype and crushing hard on my str8 best friend my first actual crush ever too. This person is genuinely a horrible person now(and back then I just didn’t notice) so like. Good Riddance but.

Anyways I became friends w her and then best friends as we talked/texted literally every single day we never missed a day. I was just...enamored and ofc didn’t rlly think anything of it until the beginning of summer where I began to realize Oh Shit I’m gay as fuck for her

I had some real infatuation. I also rlly liked her thighs. Like. A lot I don’t think I had much “sexual” feelings as an 8th grader but there was definitely something abt her thighs for me. Also part of the reason I figured it out. Also a funny day when after I figured it out +

She came over and I was making extreme effort the whole day to not think or look at her thighs the whole day bc I felt guilty abt it Dkjssjsj aaa. Anyways I had the cutest little moment that I’ll always think back to fondly +

Where I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling thinking abt her, like everything abt her her smile her face her laugh like some real sappy gay shit and then boom I was like”holy shit. I love her” and then I got all giddy and happy and was like “oh shit. I think I’m pan”

So I was just real ecstatic to figure something abt myself out and was just. Very happy. And also very content to do nothing abt it bc I knew she was straight and I didn’t rlly care to change our relationship in any way. However one day near the end of summer, +

We were Skyping and she asked if I had a crush and I didn’t want to tell her and then she kept pushing until she was like “ur crush is me isn’t it?” And I was like. Well. Yes. And she was all chill and we ended the call good but then she stopped texting me for weeks on end

Which was weird for us bc we used to text each other every single day and after that she would only text back(and very dismissively) if I texted her first. So I knew what was up and didn’t rlly push it. Now. I kinda got off track and we’re at the homestretch now y’all

Mapping out my history like this makes me think abt more stuff I relate to in that post but ultimately I don’t rlly relate to most of it and I think that’s bc! In that summer some...hmm...bad went down and then I was repulsed by sexual feelings completely and thot I was ace

Wait I worded that weird but like basically my experiences w men were very limited and then my experience w any sexual feelings b4 I knew I was a lesbian was very limited so I didn’t have many things to relate to in that post Bc I was already a lesbian when I was as actually +

Feeling/experiencing most of these things. ALSO FUCK I messed up the timeline bc it was a fucking blur like all I remember was that it was in middle school but I thought I was ace for like 1 and a half years so the Bad Thing happened at the end of 7th grade actually.

Ah which also makes the whole Me Liking Her thighs but feeling guilty/weird abt it make more sense. In my brain at least. I seriously can’t remember a lot like it’s all fuzzy I only have a few moments in my life w full clarity when I think of them...well

Tw// slight nsfw
Anyways anyways bad thing happened alongside other things and I was absolutely repulsed abt doing anything sexual ever including masturbantion and I couldn’t even bear to look at my crotch or touch myself unless necessary like I viewed down there as a black hole

Which I wanted no one including mysef to acknowledge. Anyways I’m fr just Going Off and Venting at this point as I still don’t know what to make of that time but anyways That Happened. Freshman year I was infatuated w this other girl that I still have messy feelings over Now+

Which are annoying bc she sucks! But freshman year me was a baby gay and totally unprepared for being flirted with at all and so I was drawn in completely. But she definitely made me realize I was in fact Not Asexual. +

Tw// slight nsfw
I still didn’t get over the Black Hole and touching myself when only necessary thing until the summer b4 11th grade which was after I realized I was a lesbian which. Hm. Huh. As I’m writing this thread a lot of Coming Together

Anyways 10th grade happened and majority of the fall I was questioning if I was a lesbian bc I realized just bc I was “attracted” to Got7 doesn’t mean I actually like men(tumblr being my first introduction to the concept of comphet!) I spent until spring that year questioning

Decided to have no label until I figured it out and annoyed my gay friends with questions and then boom LESBIAN LAISSA HAS EMERGED and like that was one of the best years of my life and it was simultaneously extremely scary to come to terms with being a lesbian

There was peace in knowing who I am but i knew by that point my mom was extremely homophobic and at the time it didn’t look like my brothers would support me so I was Hella Scared. I couldn’t even call myself a lesbian without being uncomfortable until much later