Alright guys. So, in order to help out during Corona Virus Andrew Lloyd Webber has kindly allowed streaming every Friday of some of his musicals. That's why I was on that whole rant about syphilis and Jean Valjean the other day.

Anyways, here's tonight's:

Not sure if the title comes straight up but it's Love Never Dies or the sequel Phantom really didn't need. I haven't seen this before but let me tell you, the reviews are ... thrilling.

I did apparently meet the guy who played the kid in it, but that's because as sarcastic as I am I do still really love Phantom of the Opera. And it wasn't intentional. Someday he'll say he met me.

Anyways because the reviews are so deeply terrible I came prepared, and I'm gonna live tweet this mofo. This is baileys and vodka in a Star Wars glass because I am going FULL geek tonight. So, I'll probably die in an hour, but if so I'll pick up again tomorrow.

Oh yeah, donate to the Actors Fund if you can.

ONLY HIS MASK WAS EVER FOUND

Oh damn we're only three bars in and we're already depressed at an organ. Okay.

Okay so in the original and in the book he doesn't appear until WELL in but he's already here.

He seems confused. He says she's lost but no, she left him.

Wait ... so ... he disappeared ... but he's upset that she doesn't visit? Okay, he's not confused. I am.

This is really tonally dissonant. The ballad's quite musically good ... but the lyrics and the fact that Erik's singing them ... does not make sense.

I also now know where that gif comes from.

Oh what the fresh hell is this.

Is that the Penguin????

No. nonono. No. Wait ... we're in New York? Why are we in New York?

Where's Batman?

No, seriously. Where's Batman? I think I may be watching the same thing .... no, the title's right. Is this Beetlejuice?

Meg is a Burlesque dancer????

Oh wow, they done her dirty. That's cold.

So the Phantom's now Mr. Y. I hate to ask the obvious question, but ... why?

Oh no. Madam Giry is in on this too?

Madame Giry AND Meg are in love with the Phantom??? Why?

In the original Madame Giry is a mezzo, but this seems more like an alto part.

I hope these are British people doing American accents because if not my god.

Ooh, Christine got hot. Damn girl. You betta werk.

And Raoul turned British and also evil. What did *he* drink?

Hoookay, a strange car is always a bad sign. Do not do.

They're doing. Oh wow. Okay. So this is a slasher?

Wow, okay. Raoul is REALLY British. How did the Vicomte de thingIcan'tspellwhendrinking get this British??

I don't think French really cared this much about Americans. And why is she freaking out about her son playing piano. She's supposed to be a super famous opera singer.

Oh. okay. Yeah. I get the thing with the kid.

Ah, so cute. Mom teaching her son about getting gaslit. That's nice.

"Forget what you think, ignore what you hear," omg for all the abused spouses out there ... DO NOT DO THIS. This is terrible advice. Like alarmingly terrible. And I earlier today sang a song about a woman callously using her daughter to manipulate a guy.

She does faint a lot.

The musical theme though is pretty interesting. I ain't mad at it.

Was she ... hoping for a kidnapping ...? Damn girl, you're ... not smart. You're pretty ... but you are not smart.

Well this duet is lyrically awkward. Musically it's okay. Lyrically ... can you imagine watching this with your mom?

OMG it's not over.

Is this supposed to be a tango? I'm confused.

Erik ... stop. Just stop. Whatcha doing man? Erik makes bad decisions.

Wait ... so when did these two have sex?? And they did it outside apparently? Given that she was a hardcore Catholic I can't really buy that.

Okay. I get that the whole laryngeal suppression thing opera singers do makes us look like toads, but if you don't do that and try to sing high you may look hot, but you sound like when a balloon gets pierced.

Okay now Erik just went from romantic lead to scary guy. Her look though. Dude. You need medication.

Girl, if you think he's going to kill your son then he's not a nice man. Get out, get out now.

Wow, Erik managed to hit like five forms of abusive partner in two lines. That's some impressive psychopathy.

If this is meant to be a romance it's terrible, but if it's meant to be a horror it is alarmingly good.

"Things have changed Raoul" *murders him*

Okay, I'm neither team Y nor team Raoul. I'm team Christine. She can do better. Girl you get out of there. You're enough. Boys can be dumb.

Oh wow, this is just so British socialite.

So are these guys the Phantom's kidnap team? Team kidnap?

Oh goodie. Erik's gonna figure it out.

Yup, there we go. Ya gotta son you crazy bastard.

OH NO! IT'S RAMMSTEIN!!!!!

DU, DU HAST, DU HAST MICH!!!!

Erik is Till Leiberman: Confirmed.

I mean, that would explain the eyeliner.

Dude, can you not talk about unexpressable hunger in a primal night to your ten year old child?

... Is that a skeletal centaur orgy?

I only had a single drink ... this can't be a hallucination.

Yup, that is the appropriate reaction to a strange grown man taking you into a weird place and then removing an article of clothing.

Girl, she freaked your kid out and you're like "oh yeah so he's yours, let's just ignore all the kidnapping and paedo-adjacent weirdness."

Dude, he didn't "shun you" you were like "hey here's glittery stuff, now look at my gooey syphilis lesions."

Someone needs to explain Erik's hair situation to me

Erik: I want to be a face and body model.
World: Okay, maybe less exfoliation?
Erik: I WILL WRITE MUSIC TO MAKE YOU SEE MY TRUE BEAUTY!!!!!!!
World: ...okaaaaaaay.
Erik: *murders several people* Am I beautiful now?
World: No, and also jail time.
Erik: WHY I NO BEAUTY??????

How is Madame Giry the villain? Also: which bastard? This was what I was telling you about ambiguity.

WERE THOSE DANCERS THERE THE WHOLE TIME????

Oh just whip out the swords and get it over with.

I think Erik and Raoul make a cute couple.

She needs to burst in and be like, "won me???" and have a big 90s feminist moment.

oh dude, you don't even like the kid. Why you mad?

Okay, I get that achondroplastic dwarfs don't weigh much, but they're at super high risk for arthritis and so this throwing her about makes me super nervous for her.

I do actually kinda adore the vaudville vibe.

This is an anthology of codependency.

Is she a redhead now? I thought she famously had chestnut hair? WHY IS EVERYONE TURNING BRITISH? Is BRITISHNESS CONTAGIOUS?? OMG I'M IN LONDON!! THEY MIGHT GET ME!!! I'M FINDING JOKES ABOUT SEX INCREASINGLY TABOO!!! IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!

And now they're going to leave the entire country because of one guy? Well, okay. I mean, realistically I can relate. I mean ... I am in London after all.

Yeah as a thriller this just needs a few tweaks and it could be a little silly but really good. But given the title I think it's supposed to be a romance. I mean EVERYONE here is bonkers town.

DID YOU STEAL THAT NECKLACE FROM MOULIN ROUGE???

He stole that necklace from Moulin Rouge. Bad Erik. No aria for you.

What does "devil take the hind most" mean?

I'm seriously asking. What does that even mean? They keep on repeating it.

Oh good, crew kidnap's back.

That kid needs a governess.

If this isn't Lakme I'm gonna be mad.

Aaaaaaand ... I'm mad.

YOU CANNOT HAVE PEACOCK FEATHERS WITHOUT LAKME!! SACRILEGE!!!

To be entirely honest it kinda looks like Erik just built a time machine and stole the entire Moulin Rouge set. He didn't just grab the necklace, he got her dress and the background and Raoul's vest ... somewhere in there there's a typewriter and an elephant.