Watching this video on loop today. It's funny that ppl think I'm some sort of kinky deviant (nothing wrong with that given consent), bc all I have ever wanted was to be Amanda Seyfriend in ''Mamma Mia.'' But this isn't something trans women are allowed.

It's already a tragedy that trans women are so often burnt at the stake - sometimes literally - for having a sexuality at all. But something I don't often let myself think about is how this world robs trans feminine people of all ages of our innocence by casting us as monsters.

From childhood, trans women (and to a lesser extent, all queers) are inculcated in the notion that our bodies and their capacity for pleasure are wrong. That our pleasure is not only dirty and poisonous to us, but that it destroys everyone it touches.

Sexual repression & violence is the primary mechanism through which transmisogyny operates: We are killed for being ''too sexual'' - we are seen as corrupting influences on every other facet of society. Yet our main value to capitalism is rooted in our association with sex work.

From a sociological perspective, we see the demonization of transfeminine sexuality in the rates of violence, imprisonment, and murder directed at us. But there is personal, psychological devastation as well: We are a repository that holds the sexual traumas of the entire world.

There are so many things I never got to be: Young. Presumed innocent. That teenage girl with a crush. Someone whose romantic dreams were celebrated. A girl at the school dance. A woman who wasn't afraid of getting hit or murdered by her boyfriend with impunity.

Do you want to know what my ''deviant'' fantasy really is, dear ones? It's of being innocently romanced on a beach, in public, by a man who isn't afraid to be seen with me. It's of people seeing us holding hands and feeling soft tenderness rather than murderous rage and terror.

My dark desire? It's that my body isn't seen a toxic nuclear reactor poisoning everyone around me. That people might see me a short skirt and low-cut top, dancing by the sea, and feel joy instead of the urge to attack and destroy.

What did I mean when I asked if people thought queer community was becoming more sexually conservative? Which people sent me death threats for? I meant that it feels like my dream of a society that celebrates consensual trans women's pleasure is further from reality than ever.

''Don't go wasting your emotion / Lay all your love on me." You know, the first time I heard this song, I cried? Because listening to it, I can hear echoes of the woman I should have been allowed to be.