OK gather round kids I’m going to tell you a true chemistry lab story about how a sex toy became a key part of a nuclear disarmament program.

So I was visiting this nuclear lab - where does not matter. And there’s a lot of rigamarole to get in such a place. You have to put on little shoe covers, and sometimes you end up in lead aprons (the best one I’ve seen is like Batman’s outfit). Anyway, it’s a pain.

(As an aside - I once sent someone in a nuke lab a poster signed by Darth Vader actor David Prowse that read “My Lightsaber is bigger than Hayden Christensen’s” but that is another tale. SO, the sex toy.

I’m in the lab, all lovely and neat and sterile, and there it is. This little device. This pink toy. And I know what it is because I am a man of culture. So, naturally enquire the story behind it.

So this lab is involved in decommissioning nukes through processes I don’t understand, but I do know they’re radioactive as shit. So you work in glove boxes behind walls of lead bricks and everything has to be cleaned out easily, like stripped out, as you don’t want to die.

And part of the process they are doing is to shake the vial. Now, behind lead bricks with thick rubber gloves on shaken ain’t easy. So how do they get around this obstacle?

And one genius goes: “I KNOW! AN ANAL VIBRATOR!”

It’s small, it’s wipe clean, it is cheap to replace and it vibrates. Just the ticket. Obviously you don’t want a twirly dildo as that’s too big: this is all about the gentle stimulation of plutonium and you don’t want a slab of artificial man meat to do that.

God knows how, these wonderful people get it through their dept. acquisitions. Seriously, how did they get it signed off? No idea. But they get their little bum rabbit and try it AND IT WORKS A TREAT.

So, a brilliant, out of the box lab innovation has been discovered, courtesy of the local XXX shop.

But disaster! It breaks!!!!

And you can’t exactly requisition two anal vibrators from your uni, can you? I mean, what will the dept head say?

AND THUS a young grad student ventured into town. Into the red light district. Into the sex shop. And slid that backdoor wiggler over the counter, smiled, and said:

“I’m very sorry, but my anal vibrator had broken after 45 minutes of continuous use, please may I get a replacement?”

To my knowledge, TO THIS DAY that country still uses an anal vibrator as part of its nuke disarmament program. Which goes to show you:
1) lab life demands creativity
2) Use what you know
3) “Make love not war” wasn’t that bad an idea.

It’s also testament to that particular uni and that particular city that this isn’t even the strangest bloody story I’ve got about it.