<Thread> It’s a strange anniversary for me today, but it feels more hopeful than I expected.

A year ago I entered a 2-month residential mental health treatment program in the Netherlands.

Even when you feel desperate or alone, your mental health can get better. 1/

That’s how I felt when I entered treatment: hopeless. I was deeply suicidal.

In my 1st appointment, a therapist asked when I’d last had thoughts about killing myself.

It was a few minutes before, when I was imagining whether the fall from the back patio was high enough. 2/

For several months, my wife had been driving me everywhere. If she hadn’t, I would’ve driven into something.

I had panic attacks constantly. I couldn’t sleep, and I had anxiety about having anxiety.

The exhaustion exacerbated my depression, and the cycle would repeat daily. 3/

When I would fall asleep, I had nightmares.

I was a shell of myself, disengaged from my wife and family, and unsure of who I was or whether I’d ever get better.

I wanted it all to stop, and contemplated suicide constantly.

It was all irrational; depression isn’t rational. 4/

During the first week or so, they did an EXHAUSTIVE diagnostic process.

I saw more than a dozen therapists who evaluated me, answered hundreds of questions on various assessment forms, and dug into every aspect of my life and personal history. 5/

The two most serious aspects were Posttraumatic stress disorder and Major Depressive disorder.

I’m still on medication for anxiety, depression, and nightmares. 6/

The causes were complex. Some was due childhood events; some was combat trauma; some tied back to guilt over the suicides of 3 friends; & some was because someone I cared about was sick & committed acts of self-harm, contributing to toxic dynamics that exacerbated the rest. 7/

A lot was due to my bad choices.

Some was also genetic, as mental health often is. I was adopted at birth & don’t know much about my birth parents. What I do know suggests they may have suffered from mental health issues too, but probably didn’t get the help I eventually did. 8/

As life is, it was all messy. I was isolated, ashamed, & I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about it.

I’d been in therapy & on medication since September, but I still felt like I was drowning—even though I managed to keep outward appearances mostly normal. Until I couldn’t. 9/

I should also say that I tried to get help once before. In late 2012, I’d become severely depressed & suicidal.

After at least 4 years of nightmares & depression, I’d become dependent on NyQuil to sleep. I’d drink 1/3-1/2 bottle per night. I turned inward. I worked to cope. 10/

Few people knew what was going on. I did a PhD in 3 years despite my PTSD, and I looked like a success.

The people who paid the price were my wife & kids. Even when I was home, I wasn’t there—and I’d been deployed or training for 37 months in the 1st 6 years of my marriage. 11/

But in 2012, my wife urged me to seek help. A doctor put me on medication—and I was supposed to start therapy. But because that doctor moved, I was handed off to an overworked psychiatrist who didn’t think therapy was necessary. But it was, and the drugs were just a bandaid. 12/

My problems didn’t disappear, but they became manageable. I took the bandaid off a few years later, when I shouldn’t have. I did it for many reasons—pride, security clearance fears, a new therapist who started to pry, etc. I thought it was easier to pretend, but I was wrong. 13/

And so — after struggling with nightmares, toxicity in relationships with my family and people I cared about, and the suicide of a soldier I’d been close to — my life and my whole sense of self started to unravel and I was in an even worse position to face the consequences. 14/

My treatment was not magic; nothing about it was easy or linear.

There was anger, pain, sadness, guilt, regret, disappointment, fear, & loneliness.

I did lots of different treatments with great therapists—EMDR was especially helpful in dealing with the trauma I experienced. 15/

Even after returning home last summer, not everything has been perfect. I still have occasional nightmares & unexpected panic attacks. I’ll struggle with depression all my life.

But if you asked me now when I last thought about suicide, I honestly don’t know. 16/

I’m still trying to understand some of the things that happened; trying to make sense of the things I can make sense of; and doing my best to move past some things that never will make sense.

But I do have hope. I can see the good things in my life that I couldn’t before. 17/

I started tweeting about mental health because it was cathartic; I’ve continued because others reach out & share their stories. Some ask for advice or they contact me later to tell me they got treatment because they saw one of my tweets.

Someone else’s story helped me, too. 18/

I should’ve gotten help earlier. I would’ve saved myself and the people I love so much pain.

But I was afraid; I made excuses; I convinced myself I had it under control or that my situation wasn’t that bad. Those were lies.

Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Ask for help. 19/

So, if you’re alone or desperate & you don’t think there is a way out, you’re wrong. There is—it can get better. I’m in the best place I’ve been in a decade.

You’re not the only who feels like you do. I have. I may again, but I have support now.

I saw my therapist today. 20/

But in case you ever need it, the US National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

Add it to your contacts & bookmark the link below so you won’t have to dig.

It is okay to ask for help. We all need it sometimes. And we need you. 21/21 https://www.cnet.com/google-amp/news/suicide-hotlines-crisis-hotlines-to-call-or-text-when-you-need-help/