Mini Hungarian language lesson: at the gates.

I talked earlier about the Holy Crown of the Kingdom of Hungary, which according to (definitely not true) legends was a prize from the Pope for joining the medieval EU in 1001.

So here are some more definitely not true things.

Before settling down as model European citizens, our ancestors earned their corn from semi-nomadic agriculture and fully nomadic pillaging. Their raids into Western Europe were very successful until the utter swines built walls and refused to fall for the "pretend-to-flee" trick.

In 955 the raiders suffered a decisive defeat in the Battle of Lechfeld and their leaders, Lehel and Bulcsú were hanged.

This much is definitely true, but there is a legend that prince Konrad the Red offered them a choice of death, and Lehel asked for his trombone.

He was given it, and he promptly bashed in Konrad's skull in with it shouting "I will die but you'll die before me and will serve me in the afterlife, as believed by true Scythians".

This story is so full of holes even the 14th century chronicler who recorded it called anyone believing it "feeble-minded".

Sadly things have regressed since, so today you can see "Lehel's Horn" (no sniggering in the back rows) in a museum in Jászberény.

But the closing of the Western all-you-can-rob buffet didn't deter our brave heroes, and they turned their attention towards the Eastern Roman Empire.

Having already blagged regular tributes from the Emperor, they went to collect them in 958.

But the Emperor decided not to cough up and chose a champion instead, a giant Greek warrior, who offered to fight not one but two Magyars for the prize that was the tribute.

A short and stocky warrior called Botond answered the call and he started with bashing one of the city gates in with his morning star. There is a certain pattern emerging here.

He then threw his sword away and went on to wrestle the giant to the ground, winning the duel.

If you find this story hard to believe too, you're right. Even the existence of Botond is highly doubtful, although there definitely was a raid on Constantinople in 958 and what probably happened was that the emperor paid the tribute then stole it back, along with the slaves.

Saddened by the turn of events, the Magyar hordes were forced to plunder their way back home to the Carpathian basin and decided to give up on this marauding lark and turn into good Christians instead.

Nevertheless, the names Lehel, Bulcsú and Botond are popular to this day.