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I have been heavily struggling with suicidal thoughts lately. I honestly don't know what's holding me back. Today I spent hours staring at a kitchen knife in my bathroom. I was ready, I was about to do it. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to commit it? Why?
I hate myself so much, you can't imagine. I hate every millimetre of my body, I hate colour of my skin, I hate colour of my hair, I hate colour of my damn narrow Asian eyes, I hate that I don't have high sharp cheekbones and a triangle shaped chin, I hate my short legs.
I hate how I lose 2 kg per day and gain another 3 the very next day. I hate how short, small and clumsy I am, I hate my legs, I hate my waste, I hate everything in this physical prison of mine! I hate my mind, I hate my thoughts, I hate that I'm not strong enough to end this.
I hate that I'm still alive, I hate my anger issues which I'm supposed to cover up and which are the reason why I'm still screaming in my sleep like if someone's stabbing me again and again and having severe pains in my chest. I'm so outraged inside that it affects my heart,
my lungs, my skin. I can't express this rage, this FURY inside of me, I just stay calm keeping it inside and then I wake up cause I'm choking and my heart is beating so strong it's about to break through ribs and meat outside to fresh air to get rid of this anger, desperation,
hatred. I wanna cry, but I cannot, because my eyes are too fucking dry. Did you even know there's a dry eye syndrome? Is this shit even a thing? Yes, it is, cause I'm using damn eyedrops and they're not helping, bitch. I literally don't have tears. My mind is fucked up like a
Royal Goddamn Super Clasterfuck. I don't believe in myself, I don't believe in ANYTHING. They're telling me I'm nothing, and I trust every word. They say I'm gonna end up homeless and die of hunger. Well I've got my eating disorders already and we found out I'm not capable of
losing THAT much. My minimum was 38.7 and that's a shame I couldn't go further. I'm a procrastinator. I ruin my life because of this. I miss deadlines, I hate deadlines, I'm lazy af. I should've been a workaholic and sometimes I am, but that's just not enough. It's never enough.
It'll never be enough. What have I achieved in my miserable stupid life? Nothing. What do I have in this life what's actually precious to me? Nothing. What are my hopes and dreams for the future? Nothing. What do I believe is awaiting for me next? NOTHING. I AM NOTHING.
And don't you fucking dare to comment on this thread, I swear I'll do it if you dare. Just let me express my feelings AT LEAST SOMEWHERE and don't be judged, because I can't keep it inside anymore. I can't, because today wasn't the first try. I can't, because it has started from
eating disorders, on summer vacation. I do remember it so vividly because I was truly happy to develop my disorders further. It's been five years now since I've got a habit to throw out after eating and don't eat at all for weeks. Compulsive overeating? Bitch, yes. No powers to
get up? Also yes. Sleep in the toilet because too exhaustedv
after "cleansing"? Yesyesyes. It was wonderful, charming even, felling my body so light. I felt free of it, I was happy and them hatred smashed joy into pieces cause it wasn't enough! Not skinny enough, tall enough,
after "cleansing"? Yesyesyes. It was wonderful, charming even, felling my body so light. I felt free of it, I was happy and them hatred smashed joy into pieces cause it wasn't enough! Not skinny enough, tall enough,
stylish enough, beautiful enough. Nothing enough.
