HEY YOU GUYS.

Before I write fiction responsibly, but whilst the 'who will drink bleach???' takes are hot, let me tell you the story of a patient who drank hand sanitizer.

It is a _journey_.

Come with me.

So, first off, I realize my patient was drinking hand sanitizer because they were profoundly alcoholic, and not that the president had casually mentioned it to reporters on a public stage which he knew would be televised.

Vast differences, yo.

But when you get your patients in you don't always know everything.

This guy was an overflow from another floor onto my burn unit, he was there so we could watch his telemetry monitor, his heart was doing weird stuff and tele was full.

He was homeless and had no belongings with him except for (a very premeditated knowing what I now know about him) extra large Taco Bell cup.

You know how Taco Bell cups are opaque white?

Yeah, that.

About halfway into my night shift, this guy starts to freak out. Ripping things off of himself, wants to pace his room like a cage.

I call the med resident in charge of him, because I am not a jailer, right? I'm not going to physically block someone from leaving if they want to

Back in the olden days I was that kind of nurse, but by then I'd wisened up, because the only person who was gonna get hurt in that 'keep them in bed for their own good or else!' scenario was me.

I did try to stop them and tried to help, gave PRNs but...

and I weedled.

You wheel and deal a lot as a nurse. When people treat you like a waitress with access to narcotics, you get used to customer servicing.

So he finally said he had to leave but that he'd be back.

I knew that wasn't true, but it gave me a chance to unplug him so he wouldn't trail IVs and wires all over the hospital, set him free, and called security.

He stalks out, very deliberately taking his Taco Bell cup.

So, in talking to security, they're all 'Oh, that guy!' like they go way back, because they do, which is an inherently a bad sign.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting on my unit, imagining my licence fluttering off into the breeze.

Not long before that, you see, UCSF had 'lost' a patient for a month...turns out they were dead in a stairwell, after having been a presumed AMA (leaving against medical advice).

So I'm all nervously waiting a call back from security when....I get a call from another floor.

They're all, "Hey, is this guy yours?" after checking out his wristband. And I'm all "thank the baby Jesus, yes, keep him there" and call security to come with me to get him.

He's much more calm now -- and he's still got that cup.

I forgot to mention *facepalm* it had a lid.

So we round him up and go back to my floor and tuck him back in and I'm sitting there waiting.

The man took the cup for something.

And he's still got it now.

And where I worked had a McD's we called Rock Ronalds nearby....

And like, if he hadn't had a heart condition, I probably wouldn't have cared.

Lord knows I ignored enough weed, before it became legal, as long as no one tried to smoke it near oxygen.

But, with the heart condition, I had to look in that cup.

So I take it from him, pop the lid off, and voila -- there is an extra large Taco Bell cup's worth of hand sanitizer inside.

I realize he had to go on walkabout to find the gel pumps -- our unit used the foam dispensers, which evaporated far too quickly.

I ask him, "What is this?" and he says, I shit you not:

"Coconut water and protein powder."

as the ETOH of it is definitely wafting up my nose.

I also forgot to mention that he's bigger than me. And that security has moved along.

I don't wanna fight this dude. He'd win. And it's clear that he would fight me.

So I set it down and walk out to call security again, and the resident, who finally starts 'helping' by shouting at me to call poison control....

So I hang out, waiting for security, watching him.

He turns toward the glass wall, not even trying to hide it one whit, and decants gel hand sanitizer into his dinner meal's plastic mug and then starts....

to add.....

SPLENDA.

I am watching him make a hand sanitizer daiquiri.

And even though I'm scared of him I cannot just watch him drink that.

So I run in the room, grab everything, and run back outside so at least he can't corner me.

And then security comes, at long last.

And 'I'm a bitch!', and 'that was his!' and 'eff you' and 'eff that' --

He winds up actually going AMA.

I had to go back in to take his IV out while he was fuming at me, while security watched, and it was genuinely one of the scariest parts of my nursing career.

(Because you can't send someone out with a functional IV onto the streets. More than once we'd had patients skip out on us when they realized we were going to take out their IVs, they were so happy to have access to a good vein....)

Anyhow.

Poison control did answer eventually, and the resident did come down, and yeah.

And I have a lot of sympathy for that guy, I do -- there are alkies in my family, I get what it's like.

Just don't drink hand sanitizer -- or bleach -- not even if the president tells you too.

BUT IF YOU MUST.

Use splenda?