Read on Twitter
Still dealing with finding out that some people mostly do things because they like to do them. Not because they think they should like to do them. Not because they make them into a goal and pursue the goal. Just … because they enjoy doing the things?
The other day, I figured out which kinds of exercise I liked – that there are kinds of exercies that I like.
I still can't think of the ones I like as "exercise" because that word means having-to, shoulding, effort! But the things I enjoy aren't that. They're just movement.
I still can't think of the ones I like as "exercise" because that word means having-to, shoulding, effort! But the things I enjoy aren't that. They're just movement.
So. The kids in school who played tennis or volleyball or something else a couple of times a week? Did they just ENJOY IT WTF. Did they just have a thing they liked doing, and so they did it, and so they had regular times of having fun?
This thought is so weird to me. I never even considered it. I can't imagine what a childhood like that must've been like.
(Part of that may be that I was out of touch with my body a lot, possibly due to being trans, who knows.)
But back to my point: I don't do things for fun. Even if I do things for fun initially, I find ways to shut that part out.
Maths, coding, reading, music, this pattern repeats everywhere. I find something I enjoy, and I immediately make up goals I should reach.
Maths, coding, reading, music, this pattern repeats everywhere. I find something I enjoy, and I immediately make up goals I should reach.
A lot of that is that I incorrectly infer from other people's behaviour how I should behave. Or, of course, from my imagination of other people's behaviour.
As a consequence, I … made a plan, with goals, of course, to get rid of the goals and the lack of fun. Good going, Vuk.
Noticing this, I feel drawn (ha! better) to having more fun, and to learning more about the different kinds of fun. There wild one. The focused, elegant one.
Noticing this, I feel drawn (ha! better) to having more fun, and to learning more about the different kinds of fun. There wild one. The focused, elegant one.
I'm sure that some of this was necessary to adopt at the time! And it turns out, it may not be necessary now.
The more I just let go, take note of my inclination, and possibly ask myself gently to incline in a specific direction, things seem to work out very well.
The more I just let go, take note of my inclination, and possibly ask myself gently to incline in a specific direction, things seem to work out very well.
This requires trusting myself, which I find extremely enjoyable.
Things I do that are not fun
- Lose weight (and I found a good new approach)
- Run a business (parts are fun, and I've blocked them off)
- Catch up on Twitter backlog
- Avoid creativity (yes, this is a full activity)
- Lose weight (and I found a good new approach)
- Run a business (parts are fun, and I've blocked them off)
- Catch up on Twitter backlog
- Avoid creativity (yes, this is a full activity)
Big one: Reading books. Because the books I read are not me. They pursue a cerebral, dry intellectuality, and I'm very uncomfortable with that. I enjoy reading about history (woo! history!), or poetry, or occasionally SFF. I don't enjoy books by psychologists.
I was so happy to finally have found other people who read a lot and like talking about books that I didn't stop to consider if we liked at least roughly the same books? I realised parts of this a while ago when I stopped sharing some of my books because they didn't fit. Hmm.
Both of these are true:
- I enjoy excellence. I enjoy pushing myself for good results, and the occasional frustration is part of it.
- I feel I SHOULD be excellent/rigorous/intellectual, so I MAKE myself pursue this, which in turn kills all enjoyment.
- I enjoy excellence. I enjoy pushing myself for good results, and the occasional frustration is part of it.
- I feel I SHOULD be excellent/rigorous/intellectual, so I MAKE myself pursue this, which in turn kills all enjoyment.
This is relevant to reading, too, because the SHOULD part feels that poetry and random history books don't meet the criteria (while SFF is fine, because nerd elitism). jfc this is stupid
