If I could gift all kind people with something, it would be the ability to look people getting wild and rude dead in the eye

And say "Why would you say that to me?" with a total lack of shame or discomfort

Because god knows the rude assholes don't seem to feel any shame

I once terrified an entire office of dieting women into not doing the Dance of Who Is Too Fat For Cake anymore

Because I would just calmly say-- I am the fattest person here.

And then smile.

It made them so wildly uncomfortable that they stopped doing it

Eventually.

And I thought it was HILARIOUS

That's Trolling for Justice, y'all

You can just not have the cake if you don't want it

You don't have to make it into A Thing

I forgot to say--

The best way to execute this is if you are already in the process of eating the cake.

Then no one thinks you mean "so I obviously cannot eat cake as well"

No. You make them watch you eat cake, while announcing that you are the fattest

That's how you win

It confuses people so much