HEEEEYIII.

Konje iDlozi once took away a relationship/boyfriend and gave me a job promotion in a short space of a weekend a few months after my arrest.

WAWO 2017 was a wild year for THIS hun hey? bastet!

Now its October a few months after my arrest (while my case was still being reminded monthly - before deciding its going on trial) and its my birthday weekend. Eii. that time calendar was on my side. I had a weekend birthday.

My birthday happened to be a "Friday the 13th" by then, and I happened to share my birthday with a Venda bud of mine, the best drinking partner, the gent who saved me. The gent who took over a hun after I was told shit @NOCHILL_GOD @NOCHILLinmzansi

Now with Bupe and @NOCHILL_GOD - that bottle of Honor juta'd me, and at this time my flat and his flat are both full of people. kore that time we are going up and down, flat to flat, swapping scenery and company nje

The festivities phela.

Now its morning, no wink of sleep - after a night of heavy drinking and smoking hella weed my body still hyper AF, I have so much life inside of me - and then it hit me. Let me make breakfast for ALL the fuckers passed out in my flat (lekke dik 12 people)

So I venture off to Kempton Square, to go get some groceries nyana by the Pick n Pay and pick up a few bottles by Liquor - while I am gone, gwa kena a text, heehban. u'Snack uthi he wants to see me, and that he is hacked he couldn't share my birthday with me.

Ayt, so I cook for abo malambane endlini. By the time I am in the pozi, all I hear is different pitched baritones and "yoh's" coming from different corners of the flat, ngathi kune a smell that is just waking mense up nje.

Kante dololo these people are just smelling my breakfast

My first boy starts:

"..Ah, Amahle bruh, (people have Zulufied my name) you making breakfast? shiii good looking out mate - please dish for me and save it on the side.."

Eh, I looked at this man, and asked "..since when? because we eat from the same long platter as homies?.."

Nigga looks at me straight and goes.

"..Since you need a bottle of gin, and some black label, so just fucking do it.."

Ehban, this nigga?

So I keep quiet - that time ng'yam examiner uBeste bomba. I see gore entlek hier kom kak. Same time I tell him to not phaphela me, because I already bought that shit, he must be useful and go buy dash - and for tax ya go n'tella - he better bring that bottle of gin.

Since u'Snack left me hanging since I took his visit offer, he eventually replies (his job is demanding), and I tell him gore I will come at 5pm because I had a rough night eating his money. And my head started pounding hard, I needed to rest a bit - with a heavy heart, he agreed

Now its about 1pm.

We feel gore nah bro, cold showers are vital at this point, and we decided to freshen the blood waboh? Straight after, manje s'kipha ma baabi, plus I decided to be stingy with that extra tax gin bottle, that one shame I hid it.. entlek, Mkhulu hid it.

So I tell the homies hore I am gonna leave at a certain time, and they already knew top of the drop where I was going (yes, I report to my boys, they are my familia) and who I was going to. Its a safety thing my niggaz enjoyed implementing, since I was the only hun in the circle

Now I feel gore bastet, I am getting Re-LIT and this shit needs to calm, so I brew some strong coffee and took a cold shower again. Ei, then my tingles whispered that a blunt was necessary. And like a popeye I agreed to roll up, and guess what? I DID.

Ei, its getting closer and closer to the time to leave, and me being honest? I am dragging my feet - LITERALLY I am being delayed (iDlozi had better plans , still loading) walking around my flat counting tiles and floor patterns.. heehban

Kante WARRAHELLISGOINGON?

Eventually the courage to leave has been gathered, now its time to go. I pick my overnight bag and head towards the door. Upon arriving at the door, on top of my microwave I was met by the darkest, deepest, heart breaking realization ever.

MY FRONT DOOR KEY IS GONE

Like my house keys are MISSING!
Vanished into thin air, kaput, exit, feenish, donthi key, dololo existence.

So at this point, my homies are helping me look. Believe me when I say we left NO STONE UNTURNED kere binnekant, deep inside phendukaring furniture, and still NOTHING.

At this point my boy says he will stay at my flat, while I leave, and that I will find him there. mgarni

So, my other boy drops me at the train station. And off to Park Station I go, to request a ride to Melville and here I am texting this person, hawu! dololo two ticks.. IMAAAAYGINE YOUR SBINDI CHIEF like???

Ayt, now I am nearing his loft, and at this time, this madafuckah still ain responding. Ooh okay. messages that time are comfyy on grey ticks.. Klaar, I switch into my nigga boss bitch mode.. This madafakah doesnt qav me. ENTLEK this nigga doesnt see me.. Wa nyela oo shem.

Uber drops me, mans asks if he should wait, I say no, he can leave. Same time, I reach for a nipped blunt I carried with me in the ciggie box, and lit it.. Some hobo who sleeps on the same street comes through and asks to skyf.
Told the homie to join me i'll pass him a skyf.

So we making small talk me and him (I love hobos, they are kind people) and did my best to assist after the convo, and reached for a cig same time. Now me and this guy are busy laughing at my current situation TOGETHER (Dlozi power strikes again) thats how I knew I wasnt alone.

Now I am sending messages, like a mad man. I am busy calling you none stop - and guess what?

I AM BEING IGNORED.

That time the screen looks like. . .

The nice part of this whole loft situation was that HIS BEDROOM WINDOWS WERE RIGHT OUTSIDE - FACING THE MAIN ROAD so best believe I had a clear view of the cellphone light going on and off, iShawdow yakhe. ALL OF!

At this point now I am activating "mad black woman" mode

So vele this madafuckah is ignoring me?

OH OKAY!

Two can tango.

So, this hobo friend I just made said something so profound yet necessary at the same time.. And I must admit, I LOVED HIS IDEA.

He says to me live: "..manje my sister, ngoba lo muntu aka phendule i'phone yakhe, why unga shaye i'venstela nge lije?.."

I WAS IN AMAZEMENT AT THIS BEAUTIFUL REVELATION THAT FELL ON MY LAP, same time my hobo friend and I start looking on the floor for some rocks that'd make enough noise or enough damage to get this idiots attention.

YOOH we threw them sana.

With the perfect aim, and power, a window finally became target, and now I see a light go on, and me and my hobo friend start laughing together, and lit a cig each and sat on the side of the road, waiting for a reaction.

Guess what? lomuntu aka vele

A car gets out the parking (FINALLY ) and the hobo guy runs to hold the sensor so the gate doesnt close, and inside, I went, straight to this idiot's loft - bruh, at this point my overnight bag is outside.. But I really didnt care, ngise'missionini la!

Up the doorway stairs, I reach the door of his loft. Hebaan, this nigga couldnt even close the door properly? Was he that much in a hurry that he forgot to close? And inside the loft I went, on my tippy toes. Like a church mouse.. At this point fam, my shoes are even off.

You know vele lofts are one long thing divided into compartments anker? So I tiptoed til I could hear sounds that confirmed WHY THIS MADAFUCKER TOLD ME TO TELL HIM WHEN I WAS ON MY WAY. Eventually, a I find a chaf pozi - so I am hiding behind the closet thing

Moans and deep pants later, I pick up my phone, and call again - IN FRONT OF MY SEE, this nigga legit pressed the volume down button (Sdididi sen'ndoda didnt even put his phone on silent).

AND THEN THE INEVITABLE

I start strategizing I tiptoe towards the bed, and I wait til he came, and you know vele men have this tendency of laying on boobs after they release all their kids? Ah, PERFECT MOMENT. I waited til he screeched like a kid and laid peacefully, while uGhel strokes his fuckboy head

The nice thing about this is that, his head was facing the other way so it didnt help him much. And to lie and say I didnt think of boiling a kettle would be the biggest cap! I swear my inner coloured wanted to escape. She was screaming "..die naair ken niks nie.."

Ndoda, same time my Khehla tells me to pull his toes WHOLE TOES FAM!

NDODA, MY DLOZI TOLD ME TO PULL HIS TOE TO GET HIS ATTENTION

I swear Mkhulu thinks this physical realm is a joke. Kodwa ke, it happened and the reaction after that was AMAZING

After mans realizes ukuthi noh man, there is an extra body, chilling within his vapors, ndoda decides to eventually switch on the light, and from the floor, within the dark THIS BOSS BITCH EMERGED

uGhel runs to cover, uGuy yena ubusy with "..how did you get in, what the fuck, etc..." and at this point, I waved, and said "...wuuh, so this is why you ignored all 30 of my calls? INTERESTING..." and marched back out. Collecting the Jäger and my shoes on the table upon my exit.

Manje i have to take the remote so I can get outside, kante mans put his clothes on faster than an Usain Bolt world record now he is running behind me.

So I arrive outside - here I am trying to make calls. Ewuuu, now I need to laugh.

I see a safe place, I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF while taking shots out that Jäger bottle

Bandla, here the hobo was waiting for me, with my bag - like a cute sport aww bless him yaz

So now I fill him in on what happened ngapha we are LAUGHING fam. So, a gwaai is lit in laughter times..

This nigga kante was running behind me. He finds me and my new friend outside exchanging laughs about him - INSTANTLY he is embarrassed or belittled.

I dont know

Now mans is confused - who the fuck and how the fuck did I meet this homeless guy? I could see he is cracking his brain about it while Im on the phone with someone that time I WAS CONFIRMING PLANS to groove eTaboo

So he begins wanting to apologize and explain, and shame I was too entertained to listen.. So since his bank card was the one on my Uber app, I requested with it, while he was talking and at this point, my spirit has been entertained, I have had my laughs

I get home eventually, and need to get dressed. But first? I need to round up the niggas and tell them what happened

Now we getting ready (YES, I took my boys with to the 'boo ) it was my birthday anyway. and my DJ ex was playing there and futhi i am a sucker for deep house, OF COURSE I AM WITHIN. (I actually share a birthday with a Soul Candi DJ too)

Mind you his bank card paid for every travel trip plus the ten patla i had of HIS cash. So mina ne ma genge ami besi set for a great weekend

Hlangana with my host, tables are set, bottles ziyaphuma, mina nama genge si'right! GUUUUUURLS EVERYWHERE yooh I was in heaven. Music amazing, busy getting drunk because of the lights (yall know Taboo lights are painful) lap dances and boob shots later, aee kumnandi jack!

Time to go home. ke bo ma 5AM down. Manje we request and decided that we will buy food once we touch Kempton Park.

And so it was.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning.

Now I am fresh, I can enter the office like a fresh bird (which is why I called in sick on Monday) and iDlozi woke me up that morning. I was an hour early from my alarm ringing! I KNEW it was a great day.

Get to the office, heehban, I dont have flight duty .

Okay, have I been fired? Or did they just forget about me? Entlek let me ask my Duty Manager.

Now klaar the management knew me to be a rebel with a cause. A person who couldnt be pushed over, so A LOT of my seniors hated me because I always called out inhumane and incorrect behavior from anyone.. And futhi I was Mrs Dont Care.

Position doesnt scare me AT ALL

So I am told to go to the terminal manager's (equivalent to a Deputy CEO) office before she starts her meetings and like a good girl I went up. Of course I was asking myself kweshins ukuthi skhipan. Or is this about the girl who I saved from a suspension? entlek? Employees lookin

Sharp, I get upstairs and here is my boss.

"..Amantle, hi - so good to see you.."

Ehban, enden? Lo mlungu? Why is she being so mushy? NIKS..

SOMETHING IS FISHY LA..

She hands me an envelope, klaar i reach to rip it apart THERE AND THEN.

Incase my destiny lies in this letter ya'know? HEEEEEWUUU MADODA

As I am reading.

"..Dear Ms. [Surname]

We are pleased to inform you that you have been instated as the company's new Operations Administrator, and your training for Operational Management will commence on. . ."

MINA? OPPS MAN TRAINING? HEEEHBAN LIES

I started screaming in excitement. And I think the staff heard my loud thank you's being thrown from the top of my lungs.. And I was given the rest of the week off on top? Eh! I must create more revolutions moes?

THIS WAS MY TIME

After my excitement screams, the top floor is busy clapping, ngale skathi all the managers I had a problem with looked like their stomach was in shambles

Mina ke? I didnt care - red carpet vibes

And just like that iDlozi made me an equal to my enemies! At this point, they pretty much couldnt do anything without my presence

AND TRUST ME! It was a BLAST!

I really, really owe iDlozi my being the way the Underground Gang has had my back in life? MOER Im in AWE

Remember how my house keys were missing when I left Saturday night? Before the drama exploded? Hmm. FUNNY STORY.

I get home, off to my shrine. Do my thank you's and prayer session..
Within the last Amen, I peeped to my right beside my knee.

MY KEYS WERE THERE MY HEART

And just like that, I was walking a different part of my growth, guarded and guided by their love