Have you ever seen a poster for a missing tortoise? Me neither, until last night when I spotted this in north Edinburgh. Quick readers will notice it is dated July 2018, so it’s old news right? Wrong! Think again. This is the story the MSM have kept from you, until now.

Back in those simple times, while the world’s eyes watched Trump meet Kim in Singapore or were cheering Russia in their World Cup, a family crisis was quickly unfolding in a suburb of Edinburgh. Levi the four-year old tortoise had gone missing.

A loving mother wrote “He is very adventurous, he loves to burrow and climb… I know its hard to believe but he is also very fast and literally could be anywhere in the vicinity by now”. You might laugh (I laughed, to my shame) but only hares respect the speed of a tortoise.

I came home last night and decided I must text the number on the poster, dreading the outcome. Questions rushed through my mind- why is the poster still up if he is alive? Could he really be ANYWHERE? Would Levi make it back for the son’s 10th birthday?

Minutes later my phone lit up. It was the ‘mother’ of Levi and she had good news. “Levi appeared back after 9 days! He’s safe and sound”. Having learned in how adventurous tortoises are, a wave of relief and joy swept over me. But there is a twist in this stubby reptilian tale.

“Well he actually went missing again 2 weeks ago!” Levi missing during Lockdown! With only one daily opportunity to search for him? Had he emerged from his winter hibernation and craved the freedom of adventure only a tortoise can truly feel? Oh my heart...

“He was actually in my neighbour’s garden for 6 days. He’s on lockdown for the foreseeable!"

That, dear reader, is the happy ending. But if there is one thing I have now learned in the last day, it’s that tortoises are adventurous and it’s not Levi’s fault its just his genes.