A recent video making rounds about a Nigerian parent slapping their child about their poor performance got me thinking about some of the things we need to consider in our African culture #Thread

1. Shaming parents on their parenting style is probably not one of the best ways to enforce change in the home. There is no need to reinforce the same patterns of shame/guilt/anger/fear/helplessness this adult had in their childhood

2. A child's development and outcome depends on their caregivers support. The truth is many adults lack the capacity to parent themselves let alone parent their own kids

3. To improve a child's outcome requires active skills building for caregivers. Just giving tips & advice isn't going to cut it. Caregivers require ongoing practice/coaching to break patterns of abuse and adapt healthy ways to relate with their children/ relationships in general

4. If an adult was brought up in conditions of abuse, neglect and no support system, the worst thing we can do as community is pour more salt to injury. Let's be more mindful of our words and actions especially if we do not know the whole story

5. If you are planning to be a parent, you need to have a long hard conversation with yourself. How was your childhood? How is your current attachment style? How do you deal with stress/ adversity? How are your interpersonal r/ships? How do you manage your emotions?

5. Let's begin to view the wellbeing of our children from a systemic perspective. How are the adults in the community treating them? How can we improve our schools? Can we utilize chamas/PTA meetings/ religious setting as platforms for active skills building? Policies perhaps?

6. In case you are wondering where to start, here is a wonderful book to consider. If you are already a parent, this is a great resource too

7. If you feel concerned about your capacity to parent, acknowledge those feelings and begin to work on being there for yourself and your children. Mourn your painful childhood if you need to. Seek support from people you trust (this is esp. important). It is a journey.

8. It's not about being the "perfect parent" (because that does not exist) but as D.W Winnicott put it, you just need to be a "good enough parent".

Mindfully yours,
Z