Today:
-relatives wish my brother happy birthday instead of me
-although I enjoy being in small groups to celebrate with, my parents set up two separate celebrations with both sides of the family (who seldom interact) at the SAME time, so I’m anxiously running around the house

-making me drink (hey it’s my 21st! I’m supposed to drink! And maybe I would’ve wanted to if I was anxiety ridden) which made me more anxious

-feeling dreadfully alone, wanting to feel someone other than my immediate blood relatives actually care about me, not just care, but truly feel like they understand how I feel

-some of the very few people I wanted to talk to on my bday, didn’t reach out and I felt dumb when I wanted to text them bc it felt like they may perceive it as trying to solicit a “happy bday” when all I want is their company and to listen to them

-feeling guilty for feeling upset

-disappointed that for years I hyped up my 21st thinking it may be different and genuinely enjoyable as opposed to other birthdays, and an act of god stepped in

-feeling sad that when I did very slightly mention my birthday on social media, people starting messaging me, as I said before, like I may have been soliciting that response or, simply, no one remembered until then

-again, feeling guilty that even though I intensely feel the love of my relatives who tried so hard to give me a birthday I enjoyed, and still feel upset. Guilty that a part of me FEELS content with it, but is overpowered by sadness and, perhaps, irrational loneliness

this is indicative of me, I am grateful for talking into the void, bc I don’t need to explain that even though I truly believe I am a normal, intelligent, kind, PRIVILEGED, and generally lucky, by relative standards, person, I am still so filled with loneliness and doubt

It’s the anxiety it’s the depression it’s the bad habits I partake in, whatever idk so many excuses I could think of. The point is, I’m sad, guilty about being sad, terribly filled with anxiety that tortures me at every moment, and genuinely lonely, probably my fault in some way

but when I do a good job hiding all these feeling, which I may say I do a great job at, I can often show my true happy joking caring self, and often that comes from me just venting to the world because I can’t fix my own problems

And so, I make jokes, and I will continue to make jokes, with vents occasionally. I work my ass off in my profession bc I truly care about people and, partially , as a penance for my guilt.

All this, thread and account, will probably be deleted one day. But that’s okay bc nothing matters. In the meantime, as I said, I will make jokes and say my thoughts and vent into a place where no one will respond or know me. So yeah that’s me