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When I was younger I would go on dates and make out with strangers. It was easy to stop before things went too far. Then as I got older every single date I went on went a little bit further. Until eventually me saying no wasn’t enough to stop them.
I’m not saying to was rape exactly. I don’t know what it was. Part of me enjoyed the sensations in my body and the other part of me was scared and wanted to leave and was very uncomfortable. But that didn’t stop me from coming back. They promised it wouldn’t happen again.
I believed them. This went on for weeks with this one specific guy. I felt badly for him so I kept coming back. I even invited him to spend Christmas with my family and I so he wouldn’t have to be alone for his birthday and Christmas.
We talked and he said knew he wasn’t good for me and that’s why we couldn’t date. But we kept having sex. I was sick of it and took another guy up on his offer to hang out. When I got there he was drunk and had been smoking. Things screamed danger but I didn’t listen.
I stayed even though I knew I shouldn’t and I felt taken advantage of. I came back and told him what happened and that I needed a break from seeing him. He started coming to my church.
Things continued to drag out until Valentine’s Day. He said that he wanted to take me out for breakfast. I got ready. I waited. But I never heard from him. I called him later and told him not to talk to me again.
He then tried to add me on every social media. I had been upfront with him from the beginning about where I was with things but he never listened. Once he asked me how I was feeling I replied “sad, I’m just having a bad depression day”. He told me I was crazy.
He told me that depression isn’t real and that anyone who thinks they have it is crazy. He was also always trying to sleep over I told him I can’t sleep if anyone is touching me it gives me anxiety. I started having a panic attack and he left.
I still think about him and wonder if I did something wrong for him to not respect me. Every time I went over I never went with the intention of having sex. But I’m not an idiot, I knew it could happen, I just thought I could stop it.
I’m not sure if any of this thread makes sense but it feels good to talk about what happened between us. I sometimes miss him but every time I would talk to him I would leave feeling like shit. I still don’t know if what happened is my fault. I never wanted things to go that far.
