First one to eat the sun is immune
We are at most four days away from Dyson and Hoover having to issue cautionary statements that swallowing a vacuum cleaner cannot in fact "suck out the coronavirus"
The NYTimes would "some experts" the story, hand-wringing over "controversy in the scientific community about the President's experimental treatment"
A series of identical blond racist ladies on Fox News would accuse immigrant janitorial staff of hoarding the vacuum cure, above a "DEEP (CLEAN) STATE" chyron
Buzzfeed would run an award-winning investigation, which would pale in traffic to its "20 celebrity grape sodas to wash down your vacuum cleaner" listicle
Tech sites, desperate for an angle and preferably one with affiliate sales potential, would run "Twelve vacuums we love that are still in stock at Amazon" stories
104 True American Patriots™ would reply "absolutely" to a Russian-organized event on Facebook, turning up - with the carelessly-carried guns they replaced sex with - to storm the Hoover Dam and demand access to the secret vacuum cache stored there by the New World Order
The CEO and multi-billionaire heir to a home appliances company would write a WSJ op-ed about now qualifying as an essential medical business and deserving a $650m bailout. 24hrs later he'd furlough half of the staff
Meanwhile, other countries would be doing widespread testing and efficiently rolling out financial support for the most needy and at-risk people. They would be accused of rank communism
48hrs later, after the frothing and peak vitriol had just started to subside, there will be another suggestion. "Maybe, with the incredible vibrations inside your beautiful American-made tumble dryer, we could shake the virus loose. I believe you're looking into that, doctor?"
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