facing my inner demons with love instead of hate these days. seems like they’re growing weaker and trying everything possible stay alive and to make me give in to them. still, I meet them with love cause they keep me humble and remind me I’m still human.

been trying to accept those negative parts about myself that keep me falling on my face because they also keep me grounded. perfection is subjective and I’m no longer afraid of my darkness. I see my light getting brighter with every fall.

regret gets exhausting. the shadow work allows me to forgive myself for the mistakes but I still gotta accept the consequences those past selves have led me to. my present self is mad conscious and aware, guess that’s a step in the right direction.

now, I’m asking what’s next after forgiving myself, after owning up to my mistakes, after sitting through the repressed emotions, do I start all over?? feels like an endless cycle. death, resurrection, life, death...

guess I just keep going. the rise and fall never ends, it just starts expanding. the falls don’t hurt as much and the rises last longer. they both give me more to use. the lessons feel fresh even though they’re just reviewing what I already know. they stick a little bit more.

here I am, back where it all began. but, this time feels different. I’m emotionally stronger, mentally sharper. I feel like I’m looking down at myself from a higher perspective and drawing the blueprint from scratch.

Nothing can touch my spirit. I move through every obstacle and setback with grace and unrelenting faith.

these recent dilemmas have been self-inflicted. I have no one to blame, and even if I did I’m no longer in a victim mindset. So, here I am recognizing my shadow again and how it shows up.

My shadow enjoys destruction. Dismantling of self, specifically. It shows up when things are going good for me, constantly reminding me of it’s existence. “Don’t forget you did this in the past.” “Remember me? I’m the part of yourself you tried to ignore.”

It shows up, then I become and move from my shadow self solely. I start to forget I’m not only my shadow, but by then it’s too late. I revert back to my old ways and the destruction has began.

I’m learning how to move authentically. I’m not only my mistakes, I’m not only my shadow. I am also truth and light. I can be both and still stand confidently in all that I am.

Yes, I have experienced traumas and have done unbecoming things just like the next person. That doesn’t mean I need to constantly identify as those traumas. I am not my mistakes. I am human. I am my shadow but I am also my light.

What purpose should my shadow self serve? It should remind me of my imperfections and keep me grounded. It should show up to help me recognize why my light shines so bright. Not to dim it. Not to make me feel unworthy. It should be my foundation.

no one else can do the work for me, it is up to me to recognize my own value and purpose.

I don’t always have to self sabotage my own blessings just to prove to myself that I can always build myself up again. Self destruction doesn’t have to be the path. I don’t always have to satisfy my need for transformation in this way.

I can rise without falling all the way back down. I can rise and continue to rise until I meet my highest self. I know my shadow self well enough by now.

I’ve dove into the depths of my own darkness, and have found the light I was looking for so now I wanna see where the light leads me.

lot of people believe in me more than I believe in myself and already know where this light will lead me. I gotta adhere to this unfamiliar path on my own, though. I gotta be brave this time.

How can I be so unafraid of the dark and so fearful of the light? Maybe because the light will expose it all. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Following this light requires me to not only become aware of my own shit but have it be seen by others. My secrets have to be told and I have to be honest. Here I am, I’ve accepted all that lies here in my darkness and I am getting rid of the mess.

Those that are meant to be in my life will not be afraid of what I expose but will accept me for my shadow self and for my higher self. Some will even offer to help me get rid of what I no longer need and will encourage me in whatever way to continue down a path of growth.

Others will leave and will be afraid of my light because it will expose what lies in their own darkness and they might not be ready to clean up their shit. & I gotta be okay with that.

This shadow work shit is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I’m doing it. I’m not gonna keep allowing my shadow self to play the lead role in my life. I’ve never understood why I was letting it before until I sat down and observed it in action.

Growing up, I never acknowledged it because I was spending too much time trying to be this cookie-cutter image. I wanted so badly to appear like I had it all together and that I was capable of achieving anything expected of me.

That act stopped working and led me to believe that I was no longer in control of my own life. Started attracting the things my shadow self desired and it has led me to where I am now. Stuck in my own shit, hmm.

And still I forgive myself. Because I’m still worthy of love. And because I’m still love.

I honestly don’t know what’s next for me, but I will continue to follow my own light this time even when it gets blindingly bright. It’s uncomfortable as fuck but I know it’ll led me to where I truly deserve to be.