Cried with a patient tonight.

She was in for injuries from a domestic abuse situation. She knows the signs. She knows she doesn’t deserve it. She knows she needs to get out. She WANTS to get out.

But she can’t.
Because of the pandemic.

She’s older. And scared of COVID-19 — as she should be worried about.

“Do you feel safe at home?”

Her reply: “I’m not safe at home. But I’m also not safe out there. But at least at home, I know what’s going to happen and I know it’s clean.”

She sat there crying with her mask on, 3 feet from me. She cried:

“Why me? Why does he do this to me? I’m a good person. I live life as God sent me here to. Why does he keep hurting me?

I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.”

I just sat there with her and cried under my mask. Told her I wish I could hug her but want to protect her. So I kept my 3 ft away per her comfort.

Couldn’t do anything so I just let her scream her anguish out. I’m sure other patients heard. And I’m sure their hearts broke too.

I think the worse part was that she KNEW she didn’t deserve it and she WANTED to get out but she was more scared of the virus so she stayed.

In my experience of DV cases, there have been far too many who go back due to other obstacles. But a VIRUS being an obstacle is awful.

Because I DO know that this virus is real and is scary and is dangerous.

But what do we do.

My exact words to her were:

“I dont want you to go back. I dont feel comfortable sending you home to him.”

And her reply:

“But at least I know what will happen. He will be overly concerned tonight. And tomorrow. Maybe the next day. And I will be safe from the virus.

— But if I go out there (leave her home), I dont know what will happen. Will I die from the virus (Immunocompromised)? Will I bring it to my daughter’s (immunocompromised) children?

I rather stay home knowing what the abuse cycle is like than go out into the unknown.”

I fucking died inside.