It's been a tough few days for me so I’m going to get a little personal. This is something I rarely do on Twitter. 1/n

As some of you may know, our new grand baby is due in a few days. This will be our first. I cannot express to you just how excited we are! Note, we are in Missouri and our expectant daughter lives in the home country . 2/n

Our daughter, Tanya, has been a tower of strength; artful with her humour and self-reflection through all of this. (Check out her blog. http://www.tanyaryan.ca/news/ ) 3/n

Backstory: I’ve always said that parenting has been my greatest accomplishment. That seems to surprise some people... 4/n

“What about that PhD?” “How about those opportunities? The travel? Writing? Publishing? Meeting people?”

Those are great things, to be sure. But having kids and seeing the world through their eyes - that’s the real gift. 5/n

One reason why I place so much emphasis on parenting is this…I had an odd upbringing. My relationship with mother was…difficult (another story, another time). When I first learned I was going to be a mom, I was terrified; terrified that I wouldn’t know HOW to be a good mom. 6/n

But guess what? I did OK. I did better than OK. The kids survived. They thrived, actually. I am very proud of the brilliant, creative human beings I was fortunate enough to bring into this world.

And then eventually... let go of. 7/n

I have had to constantly remind myself that really loving my children means that I have to give them room to grow; give them wings. That’s “letting go”…

...and letting go is hard. 8/n

I’ve found it to be a continual process, this ‘letting go’ business. From the time they were born to first steps, first day of school, drivers’ licenses, college, first home, marriage, to having babies of their own... 9/n

Each moment has been beautifully bittersweet. On the one hand, you experience the joys of celebrating their individual growth and accomplishments; on the other, a piece of you grieves… 10/n

...like I remember clearly the first time Hayden looked up at me and told me that he didn’t want to hold my hand anymore. “I’m a big boy now.”

Ouch. Letting go. 11/n

Back to present day: I’m VERY excited for our new grand baby and very excited that our daughter and her partner will be beginning this amazing new phase in their lives. Children change things. For the better. 12/n

But I am in mourning. This mourning period started months ago when I realized that our daughter didn’t want me there during labour and delivery.

Ouch... 13/n

I always kind of thought I WOULD be there in the delivery room. I had expectations. Yep, it hurt. But I get it. This is her life, her baby, her experience. I respect her wishes and the wishes of her spouse.

Letting go. 14/n

But the mourning right now is very different. I can’t be there with her – not even just on the other side of the door or down the hall in a waiting room – because an invisible and horrible virus is keeping me from traveling to Canada to be close to them. 15/n

I am mourning because I don’t know when I will even be able to get back there. This is out of my control. It’s out of everyone’s control. 16/n

This makes letting go EVEN HARDER! The uncertainty is disheartening. My logical, rational brain understands, but the heart has a hard time accepting it. The heart wants what it wants. 17/n

I’ve learned that the heart - my heart - is not always good at letting go.

Thanks for listening. /end