Thread by @LokeehMavrik, great, another one of these threads no one actually reads. at least [...]

great, another one of these threads no one actually reads. at least this time my rants my give people something to think about.

why do people want to be good people? what merit is there to be liked by other people? ikr, dumb question. people need other people to survive. being alone all the time will take its toll on the person no matter how much resolve they have. we cant deny that fact.

i tweeted about a story once. i was depressed over failing a recitation and decided to rant about my life choices and how stupid they were. i'm just that self-centered. no matter how much i try to deny it myself, i cant for the life of me sympathize with others.

i once thought that maybe if i become an adult, i might be able to put myself in others' shoes. i was naive at that time. of course things werent going this way. since i spend most of my time alone, i cant help but overthink things. now that covid's here tho everything's worse.

"boo hoo, i'm such a miserable person. my life is just so shitty, i want to die"

fuck off with that bullshit, me. we knew that it wouldn't solve anything. we didnt have a solid reason to do what we did on january 17, 2019. we just worried 45 or less people at once.

thinking back on it now, i really dont know what happened there.

i was feeling shitty since i just ruined my family relationship, then i was just asked for help. then they started making fun of me in the gc. everything was ok. why the fuck did i come to that?

going even further back, i was ranting about how my parents treated me like shit.

they didnt.

i was so caught up in my depressed shithead ploy for attention that i ended up making things worse for myself. thats when the series of events all happened.

some christmas that was.

thats all i wanted really. attention. for two years i was drunk on the attention i squeezed out of my new class. back at my old school they never went with my jokes. i really only did have one friend back then. i wasnt used to the feeling. kind of like a gateway drug.

finally on my 3rd year i decided i wanted to stop. my recent disaster started making sense to me. a person i cared deeply about became my biggest obsession. i thought i was being cute. but i wasnt. i was putting them on the spot. hoping to give them stockholm syndrome.

knowing this, i wanted to change. i tried different things. i tried asking people what they wanted me to become, to no avail.

this was another beginning.

this marked my absurd itch to explain everything about me. like what i'm doing now. more on that later.

point is, it backfired. and now i'm here. tweeting this thread.

now i'm not saying i want to make up for what i did. i won't do that anymore. like i said, it'll only make it worse if i tried. that's why i decided.

"i'm a terrible person. thats what i am and thats what i'll be."

i know what you're saying. this is a terrible idea. thats the thing.

i'm a deviant. i was born different. i grew up different. i will always be different. and right now, there's nothing more different then intentionally being a terrible person.

now everyone has their own idea of a terrible person. rest assured, i'm not going to a lawbreaker. i'm not going to intentionally hurt other people.

however, if i do end up hurting others without me knowing, i won't have any regrets. thats my definition of a jerk.

to anyone who read this thread, know this. its not a solod piece of advice but it might help you someday.

stop lying to yourself. you will never change. no matter how much you try to. in fact, dont even try. youll hurt the people you care about.

thats it for me. good morning.

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