As requested by @shayla_who, my thread where I shit on all 50 states for one reason or another:

Alabama: I’ll leave the systemic shit aside and just say that one time I stopped at a Hardee’s in Heflin and it gave me really bad diarrhea.

Alaska: it’s far away from literally everything and it’s cold as shit. And everything costs twice as much. But it’s pretty for the 3 hours a day in the winter where the sun is out.

Arizona: have you ever met an Arizonan? They’re completely insufferable. Plus why would I want to live in a place where my AC gives out and my entire family dies because of it?

Arkansas: no teeth, no books, the Clintons. The Ozarks are nice if you can get there without being murdered by a trucker running to Memphis on 40.

California: I could write a PhD dissertation on why I hate California. Too crowded. Yeah it’s pretty, but the people are elitist assholes and you spend eight hours stuck in traffic getting to the pretty stuff anyway.

Colorado: as dickish as California, but with none of the self-awareness. Everyone reeks of craft beer and patchouli.

Connecticut: oh boy, another state full of sailors in crewnecks with 1.7 GPAs from Yale. Fuck off.

Delaware: I can’t even pretend to give a shit. The first state? Yeah, and it’s been uphill since.

Florida: cooler than its rep to be honest, but holy shit. Cool it with the meth and the New Jersey transplants.

Georgia: trying to get home on 285 at rush hour is my literal worst nightmare. The food is great honestly. See if you can enjoy some of it before the mosquitoes carry you away.

Hawaii: fucking lovely archipelago that’s unfortunately been overrun by haoles who moved there for the Instagram likes. If they were all rounded up and pushed into the ocean this would be the best state in the country.

Idaho: more backwoods than anywhere in the South. Pretty scenery in like four acres of the state. The rest looks like shit.

Illinois: Jesus Christ. If you’re west or south of Naperville nobody cares. Chicago is nice, despite what Fox News will tell you.

Indiana: the geographic equivalent of cream of wheat.

Iowa: honestly pretty nice. Looks like a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch. Too bad it’s a three day drive from anything interesting.

Kansas: basketball and serial killers. And sunflowers, I guess. Great place to take a leak as you’re driving somewhere better.

Kentucky: either elitist hicks or backwoods hicks. Chug some bathtub brew and try to forget you’re in this godforsaken hellhole.

Louisiana: laissez les bon temps rouler. That’s French for “I’m still learning to read and don’t own any clothing that’s not from Bass Pro”.

Maine: lobster rolls aren’t even good. Please stop trying to make them happen.

Maryland: crabs? I guess? Washington elites? The Wire?

Massachusetts: even bigger dickheads than Connecticut. They’ll feign progressivism but then will yell racial slurs at you if you’re in their way at Dunkin. Plus every single sports team in the state sucks.

Michigan: I’d move here in a heartbeat if the accent wasn’t so grating. I don’t give a shit how your “mahm and deeyad” talk.

Minnesota: pretty much a Canadian exchange student. Cool enough. Too cold. Also talk funny.

Mississippi: I’m gonna let it speak for itself.

Missouri: good lord almighty. This place sucks. It’s like Kansas with more racism and less self-awareness about it.

Montana: a few nice towns with 300 miles of empty bullshit between them.

Nebraska: corn isn’t a personality trait. Not that you have much else to work with.

Nevada: Vegas, the cosmopolitan crown jewel, smells like vomit and dreams that are out of reach. Reno is even worse. Nothing in between is worth mentioning.

New Hampshire: libertarian cosplay WASP hellhole. Cold as shit. Expensive as shit.

New Jersey: I’ll give you $50 if you can pass through the state without catching gonorrhea or stepping on a hypodermic needle.

New Mexico: honestly underrated, depending on where. But towns like Clovis will make you wish for the sweet release of death.

New York: anything north of Westchester is basically Ohio. The rest is full of dickheads.

North Carolina: Bojangles and Cheerwine, plus some real nice scenery. Too bad the government is such a shitshow.

North Dakota: I’d rather get a colonoscopy with a full size Nikon camera and no lube than set foot in this dump again.

Ohio: a swirling vortex of despair and overt racism. There is not one redeeming quality that this wart has to offer.

Oklahoma: like Texas, but with none of the exciting parts.

Oregon: the kind of place where people will drive POC out of their neighborhoods and then pat themselves on the back for going to a cruelty-free farm-to-table restaurant. Lots of meth here too.

Pennsylvania: better than Ohio, but only barely. Hope you like towns that are dead on the outside and people that are dead on the inside.

Rhode Island: wait, it’s real?

South Carolina: cool palmettos. Nobody cares. Really, nobody cares about anything in this state. Nobody can name a single significant thing about it.

South Dakota: major attractions include four white guys carved into a mountain and a giant pharmacy. Oh boy.

Tennessee: great music scene if you’re into dogshit music. Great political scene if you’re into dogshit politics.

Texas: would be a really nice place if the Texans all left. The food is amazing and the cities take three hours to drive across. Enjoy your chin upgrade.

Utah: another beautiful state tarnished by the people therein. Nothing like rubbing shoulders with sales bros and Botox moms 24/7.

Vermont: too groovy to do anything significant.

Virginia: either millionaires or Deliverance. Not much in between.

Washington: was lovely 25 years ago. Now it’s Cold California.

West Virginia: It wouldn’t be fair for me to say anything. They’re struggling with enough.

Wisconsin: a bunch of sweaty alcoholics doublefisting bags of cheese curds. Might be your thing though.

Wyoming: the twelve people in it are pretty nice. You can’t leave your house because of snowdrifts and you can’t get cell service to call them, but they’re nice.