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Even though rational-Blaise presumably knew it was on the cards, I'm shocked at how deeply the pandemic, drumbeat of horrible news from around the world, and the expanding grounds for pessimism about my own long-term economic prospects has affected my mood and worldview.
I mean, I'm not in immediate danger or anything. But I'm spending about a day each week trapped in anxiety vortices the likes of which I'd basically left behind in my early twenties.
And the hopelessness of my own prospects is fucking hammering me at the moment. I've failed to hold down permanent work before all this shit went down. It's increasingly hard to imagine the economy having room for me on the other side of this crisis.
There's more, of course. I won't get into it all publicly. I'm not writing this down and sharing it to vent. At least, not mainly. I'm sharing this much to be a bit comprehensible to people who deal with me.
