part 1 of 10

i was getting ready for work this morning when i had kind of a bit of an epiphany about this book series i read as a kid and how it changed the way i ended up understanding myself.

it was called the Secret Series and was composed of 5 books: each based off of one
part 2 of 10

of the 5 main human senses. They were all written by Pseudonymous Bosch (i really hope im spelling that right i havent read that name in years) and follow the adventures of 2 - later 3 middle schoolers in their hunt to stop The Midnight Sun (which im pretty sure was
part 3 of 10

a metaphor for something i cant remember right now - maybe capitalism??) from finding The Secret (also probably a metaphor) which they wanted to use to acheive immortality.

Anyway - to stop digressing and to get to the actual point of this thread, one of the 3
part 4 of 10

main characters was this girl named Cass and a nig part of her character was how she didn& #39;t really fit the prescribed idea of what femininity is aupposed to be. (There& #39;s a good line in the first book that illusttates this id quote here if i had a copy on hand,
part 5 of

my apologies). She dosent have the same interests as the other girls in her class, wear the same things, etc. And, when I was 12 and knee-deep in that whole "i& #39;m not like other girls" phase that was a part of her character that really resonated with me.
part 6 of 10

She went by Cass which was a shorter (and slightly more gender neutral) version of what i am going to go off on a limb here and say is her deadname - much like i did for a number of years before I settled on Jude.

In the last book there& #39;s this scene where she gets
part 7 of 10

her nails painted for the first time - a sparkly shade of blue. At the time when i read it when I was maybe 15 I almost found it kind of insulting. I kind of understand now that the author was probably trying to make a point on the dangers of internalized misogyny
part 8 of 10

but when i was thinking about it it kind of hit me in a weird way. This character that i related so much to as a young boy who didnt even realize he was a boy yet - this part of her character that i considered insulting at the time still lind of follows my own
part 9 of 10

experience my gender.

because i& #39;m a grown adult man and i& #39;m still not particularly masculine either. I still like occasionally wearing long skirts and other "feminine" things, i still paint my nails (mostly black but what have you).

Basically what i& #39;m trying to
part 10

say is that i think these books - particularly this specific character - helped me come to terms with myself.

The reason I was like Cass, the reason I wasn& #39;t like "other girls" turned out that I wasn& #39;t one - but that dosen& #39;t mean i can& #39;t paint my nails.
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