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I hit on a breakthrough some time ago that I was deeply unhappy with my life.
I tried so hard to chase success that I did a lot of unhealthy things to get it, which hurt me.
I felt trapped by my own cycle of sacrificing myself for the sake of meeting someone else’s metrics.
I tried so hard to chase success that I did a lot of unhealthy things to get it, which hurt me.
I felt trapped by my own cycle of sacrificing myself for the sake of meeting someone else’s metrics.
I had, over my life, taught myself that I had to succeed, and that the way to succeed was to be the best.
Fear of failure emotionally drove me.
I won’t discuss why that is in public because it is quite personal to my past.
Fear of failure emotionally drove me.
I won’t discuss why that is in public because it is quite personal to my past.
That fear is best characterised by the feeling of being threatened when someone is better than me at something.
In that case, I would normally commit myself to competing with them. When you get two people like this in a room, it is not healthy at all for anybody involved.
In that case, I would normally commit myself to competing with them. When you get two people like this in a room, it is not healthy at all for anybody involved.
All of that meant that I did some not great things, and was a not great person to a lot of people.
When you become trapped and suppress your desires so much, you become a ball of negativity, stress, and anger.
I’ve gotten better at it over the years, but hadn’t cracked it.
When you become trapped and suppress your desires so much, you become a ball of negativity, stress, and anger.
I’ve gotten better at it over the years, but hadn’t cracked it.
During February, I had four weeks away from my partner to do whatever I wanted.
Twitter, you may remember this as the time I bought a ton of IKEA sharks, played through Control, and went travelling First Class to see friends around the country. https://twitter.com/nekomimiscience/status/1225809983759114240
Twitter, you may remember this as the time I bought a ton of IKEA sharks, played through Control, and went travelling First Class to see friends around the country. https://twitter.com/nekomimiscience/status/1225809983759114240
This was a truly incredible time and looking back on it, this was when I started to realise that friends like me because I have inherent value as a person, just as they bring inherent value to my life by existing around me.
Until that point, I did not believe that I had inherent value and I had near-zero self-worth. If I could not meet a success metric, I considered myself a failure.
Over the last month with the 12 week minimum of shielding at home, I have been somewhat forced to introspect, unable to keep running away from myself.
Everything hit me extremely hard at once. It wasn’t a breakdown, but I was out of action for a bit.
Everything hit me extremely hard at once. It wasn’t a breakdown, but I was out of action for a bit.
Since then, I have been taking time to rewrite myself to my true desires, rather than expectations I internalise from others.
It is a wonderful process that reveals strange possibilities that a former me would have rejected the idea of.
I am excited for the future, for once.
It is a wonderful process that reveals strange possibilities that a former me would have rejected the idea of.
I am excited for the future, for once.
I write this thread not to brag but because if any of this thread hurts to read or rings true to you, I want to give you hope that you will one day free yourself, that you too will undo the pain. 
