Hey twitter #NeurodiverseSquad fam. I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm really not coping well with the state of the world and all the changes in my life.
I think if I weren't taking #ADHD meds I'd have serious brain fog right now, a sure sign of burnout for me.

I can't focus on work, which I'm now supposed to be doing from home. My job description is essentially completely different now. It was a pretty busy job, both physically and socially. Basically customer service. But now it's just me and my laptop & my brain is rebelling.

This is exactly the kind of work I don't like doing on a *good* day. And none of my days are good days anymore because *gestures to everything* stress abounds.

When I'm stressed or burnt out I instinctually seek out physically active or systematic activities, because I don't have to *think*, not in words.
Gardening. Cooking favourite recipes. Knitting. Puzzles, even. Stuff that uses muscle memory or spatial processing.

Normally if I'm burnt out at a job and my brain is seeking this kind of simulation, I can find something, anything, to get me into a groove and then channel that back into my regular tasks.

But right now, it's only personal distractions and projects.

I was going with it, and it was ok, until about a week ago. I could *only* focus on knitting or reading my book or gardening. To the detriment of personal and family and work responsibilities.

Just trying to work filled me with anxiety.

Today I realized that this turn coincided with when it really started to sink in just how long this lockdown is going to go on, and all the implications for our lives.
I knew it, cognitively, logically, but I'd been avoiding processing it emotionally. And it hit hard.

I'm not ok.
I mean, in a lot of ways I'm more relaxed and happier than I've been in a while. And, paradoxically, I'm also sadder and more anxious than I have felt in ages.

It's weird, and messed up. But I recognize it for it is.

In the past, I would try to push through burnout, because I'd internalized that I just had to try harder. It never really worked.

And now I can admit that don't think I can push thru this burnout in a way that will yield results for work.

I don't know what to do with that yet.

Going to talk it out with my coworker, and then my boss.

We'll see what happens next.

If you made it this far, hi, this is what happens when I get deep in my thoughts late at night.

If you're also not ok, that's ok. It sucks. But now is the time for self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Take breaks if you need them.

Nothing is the same, everything is different. There is so much uncertainty and grief. We can't expect ourselves to be as productive as we were before. It's unreasonable and unsustainable.

Be gentle with yourself.