How the song “Breakout” by Miley Cyrus ruined my life:

A Thread

It’s November 2013– a month after I got my license—I am Driving to school in my little Nissan listening to a mix CD labeled “Skyler’s Mix 3”

I am relaxed listening to Air Force Ones by Nelly, but then the next track is up: Breakout by Miley Cyrus.

And I’m telling you, something came over me. The rhythm and lyrical genius overtook me “gonna have some fun, gonna lose control// feels so good to let go-oh-oh”

But then I realize I am DRIVING. It’s too late.

I slam on the breaks so fast that the front of my car ends up diving under the bumper of an SUV and tearing the engine and hood apart. Things are smoking, fluid dripping. The Nissan is totaled. The other guys car has barely a scratch.

At this point you’re thinking “ok, you got in a car crash, so what”...LET ME FINISH

I still go to school. Embarrassed but with just a little whiplash to show for. But when I get home my parents are furious.

When I tried to explain that Breakout by Miley Cyrus was to blame, they did not believe me. They ask me if I was on drugs, hungover... texting... and demand I give them my phone.

It was then that I realized the damning evidence that was far worse than texting and driving in my household. I had been furiously sexting the night before with the ultimate forbidden fruit: the pastor’s son.

I handed over my phone and resigned myself to what they were going to find, hiding in my room and awaiting the wrath of my mother: far greater than the wrath of any god.

When they found the sexts, my dad called his dad (the pastor of our church) to tell him that his son had been sexting me. My bf had to call and apologize to my parents for sinning against me.

These sexts were through Facebook messenger, BTW

This created a feud like the capulets and montagues. And now my parents know I’m a little promiscuous SOB and I’m forbidden from using technology indefinitely.

I also had to pay $500 for the tow truck and scrapping, $500 for the fucking dent in the bumper, and buy another car... I’m 16 and 1 month old. An infant. But I get my job at Shopko and I walk there after school for 6 months to pay it off.

This is where the story ends but I can tell you this much: “Breakout” by Miley Cyrus May have ruined my life, but it is still—in fact—a total bop.

End thread