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Let me talk about my life .. I feel like typing it out will help me somehow, hence the new anonymous Twitter.. no one has to see this.
Growing up I lived with my mum and saw my dad on weekends. My dad made the effort to give me a taste of family life , we went out on outings, I socialised with my siblings and saw his side of family
We’re as my mum, she has schizophrenia and had moved away from her family to come to England with my dad , but they’re not together anymore so .. never move to a different country for no man 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤧" title="Sneezing face" aria-label="Emoji: Sneezing face">
Anyway, she had a mental illness and was basically isolated with no one to talk to and was paranoid about doing that anyway.
So when I spent time with her during the week the only times I got to socialise was at primary school. And at hone my older brother and I watched tv together but I do t really remember socilising with him too much , especially as we got older.
I feel like he doesn’t like me too much because our parents left him in our home country to England to start a new life with me. And then flew him over when they could afford it.
It must have been for some time because he thought that another woman was his mother.. damn .. the tears in my eyes rn imagining how he felt when he had to leave to come here a basically live with strangers.. I know her resents my mum for that, I defo would ..
So he didn’t really talk to me much and to this day he still doesn’t .. and if we do talk I instigate it and his replies are very blunt ..
So yea , I didn’t really talk much as a child to my family .. and it got worse when my mum bugged out and threw watered down bleach at my dad because .. well idk .. and told him to never come back , I never saw him again until recently
To say the least my social skills weren’t the best and I don’t remeber much of my childhood after my dad was X’d out of my life because I didn’t do much other than go to primary school and come home.
I don’t remember how I felt at the time but looking back on it I must have felt alone.
As I grew up my brother and I barely spoke unless my mum was having an episode and wanted to drag me away with her somewhere .. thinking about it now my mum and I spoke quite a bit but not really , so I missed out on the basic socialising skills growing up and
Didn’t really have a close connection with her .. don’t get me wrong I love the woman to death and would ride out for her cause that’s my mum.. but really we didn’t talk as much as a normal daughter and mum would
She also refrained from touching me because she believed some someone would get me if she did, which I didn’t understand at the time but now I do because I know about her mental health
I didn’t think anything of it because I thought everything that was happening was normal.
Now fast foreword to high school.
When I was in year 6 going onto year 7 , my mum got me a laptop and I used to play quite a few virtual games, small worlds being one of them. I used to bang it because I had friends on there and got to be weird without judgement
I didn’t have friends in real life btw lol , I wasn’t a complete loner , but I didn’t really talk to them outside of school until later on in year 7-8
Did* wow lol
Anyways, I think I flourished when I got the chance to socialise online as I got hater from the web and share it with them etc etc , but the same couldn’t be said for real life
I had friends but I was defo the dry one out of them . I just didn’t know what to say , I didn’t relate to a lot of people because I didn’t follow it to much, and missed out on stuff like: the diary of a bad man, Kidult and adult hood, top boy and more.
I never really spoke out of place and I didn’t really know what to talk about if we was in a group conversation throughout school.
I was VERY shy but had confidence once I got close to you , which to this day still takes some time for me to do.
I realised I was very dry because I didn’t have banter and I always wondered why I don’t have it and to this day I’m still not great at it but ALOT better.
By year 9 I had a small group of girl friends and i thought we were really good friends , we even made a singing group. I thought I was really close with one of the girls but I think she grew tired of me because I spoke out of turn sometimes - I wasn’t on ropes, let me explain
To be honest I had a loose mouth in school , I didn’t know about confidentiality https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤷🏾♀️" title="Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)" aria-label="Emoji: Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)"> when people told me stuff I didn’t know it was meant to just be between me and them unless said so. I honestly think it’s because I didn’t learn any of that in my early years but who knows I might
Be wrong
I think if it was relevant to the convo I’d say it because I honestly had nothing else to say https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤷🏾♀️" title="Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)" aria-label="Emoji: Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)"> but yea she grew tired of my and a new girl come and they because friends leaving me. In our group I was also close to another girl
I honestly believe that me and this girl were genuinely friends like if I hadn’t gone through what I did later on in school I think me and her would defo still be friends https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face">
She defo helped me get out of my shell and invited me to things outside of school and we’d actually have funny convos and shit to talk about https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤷🏾♀️" title="Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)" aria-label="Emoji: Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)"> she was legit a really nice girl
In year 10 my mum had a major episode and basically self evicted us from our home - this is when my life changed for good.
We was in a hotel for about 3 days then she turnt around and said that she couldn’t afford it and I had to find somewhere to stay , I call all my “friends” and asked to stay with them for a while , they either didn’t pick up or said no until my other friend
Who I had just started getting close to in school said yes and the next morning her mum was on her way to pick me up.
After that I have little to no idea where my mum and my brother went https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤷🏾♀️" title="Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)" aria-label="Emoji: Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)">. All I know that is that my brother stayed with his friends after this.
Those first few days were really hard. I isn’t know what exactly was happening and how long I was going to be there but this family opened up their arms for me and took me in we legit no one else would
After a couple weeks my friends mum alerted the council I was there, and tried to contact my parents - my dad was in Guyana with his new family and basically said no. He said that they are gonna get paid to look after me so ..https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤷🏾♀️" title="Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)" aria-label="Emoji: Woman shrugging (medium dark skin tone)"> that really hit me hard.
I took it that my dad didn’t want me.
My brother couldn’t be contacted and tbh I don’t think he would have wanted to look after me because he was young (21) and tbh I don’t think he likes me anyway.
And my mum, I found out she had been put u see care , or something along them lines. So this family embraced me and took on full responsibility of looking after me. I will never forget what they have done.
Under*
I remeber exactly how I felt: lonely and abandoned by my biological family. No one wanted me. I felt like an outcast , different , and intruder but at that time I pushed those emotions down because I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere by letting them get to the surface.
The only person who actually loved me , was unable / “was not fit” to look after me. Just deeping this now, this stuff is sad man https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Face with tears of joy" aria-label="Emoji: Face with tears of joy">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😕" title="Confused face" aria-label="Emoji: Confused face">
To cope I kept happy , happy thoughts , happy face, happy, happy , happy .. I didn’t confront my feeling and still haven’t but I guess I’m trying to in this thread
And this feels so uncomfortable, like I don’t usually get into me feelings a lot about my past. I’m usually shut off about it and don’t talk much on the matter - the only thing they know is that
