Tonight I find myself wishing to be able bodied. Not even to be able to work or have a career in circus, but just to be able to walk outside at night without fearing my legs will give up. To masturbate without painful spasms afterward, pet my own hair witho it my finger hurting.

To sleep in the same bed as someone without having to have a pregnancy pillow supporting my joints between me and the person, to not have to think about the technicalities when I try to daydream, to eat whatever I want without my tummy yelling at me

To sleep well, to shower when I want to and not when I need to, to not have people joke all the time about how broken my body is,to drink my tea without fearing my hands will forget how to be hands and drop the hot water on my lap, to not have to fight with plugged electric plugs

To run without fearing my legs won’t catch me... Oh how I miss running. I try to not think about it because there’s not point in dwelling on what’s lost but tonight I miss running. I don’t even run well, I make so much noise! But it makes me laugh and smile.

I wanna say I’m grateful just because I really am but this thread isn’t about that. It’s about the fact that even if your body is disabled and that you accept it, it doesn’t mean your soul and heart want to. It’s not sad, it’s the story of the greener grass of the next garden.