Man at court charged with driving with cannabis, MDMA and cocaine in his blood: “Your Honour, I did smoke some weed but I’ve never touched coke and I haven’t had amphetamines in years. But I did exchange some passionate kisses with a woman at karaoke, it’s the only explanation.”

“I found it comical there was coke in my blood because I knew that it was impossible. I’ve never touched it. It would have been from that person I was intimate with.”

My favourite kind of self-represented defendant is the kind that just barrels up to the bar like “yes Your Honour I’ll be frank with you I was on the billy last week but I wouldn’t have thought it would still be in my system a week later. Sir.”