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i just. rly do not want to be in school rn. it& #39;s meaningless. the anxiety of still having deadlines means that i am constantly procrastinating & therefore getting absolutely nothing done. i can have school or creativity, pick one
anyway i submitted two assignments over 12 hours before the deadlines. quarantine week 5. i managed to force myself thru it, teeth gritted & mind blanking every few seconds. my mental health is worse for this
this is not a story abt my "strength". it& #39;s a story about how fucking ableist academia is even in a pandemic & how i have internalised that ableism so thoroughly that i would rather push myself to the point of breaking rather than submit a mitigating circumstances form
but, like, i don& #39;t have the energy to even attempt to hold my institution accountable, let alone the entire system of academia. my institution is doing its best; problem is that its best is still ableist & no amount of platitudes will change or hide that
i don& #39;t regret not taking a gap year after my undergrad. i wouldn& #39;t have known what the fuck to do with myself. now, at least, i know i need to get out of academia & into a minimally demanding job that pays the bills & allows me time + space to heal
i put a lot of pressure on myself to create art. a lot of this is because i& #39;ve been told i& #39;m good at it, that my art is necessary. i rly don& #39;t think i can use it being necessary to others as a justification for doing it; it has to be necessary to me
this thread is a mess
like me
today was absolutely awful & i need to be held
like me
today was absolutely awful & i need to be held
