i just. rly do not want to be in school rn. it's meaningless. the anxiety of still having deadlines means that i am constantly procrastinating & therefore getting absolutely nothing done. i can have school or creativity, pick one

anyway i submitted two assignments over 12 hours before the deadlines. quarantine week 5. i managed to force myself thru it, teeth gritted & mind blanking every few seconds. my mental health is worse for this

this is not a story abt my "strength". it's a story about how fucking ableist academia is even in a pandemic & how i have internalised that ableism so thoroughly that i would rather push myself to the point of breaking rather than submit a mitigating circumstances form

but, like, i don't have the energy to even attempt to hold my institution accountable, let alone the entire system of academia. my institution is doing its best; problem is that its best is still ableist & no amount of platitudes will change or hide that

i don't regret not taking a gap year after my undergrad. i wouldn't have known what the fuck to do with myself. now, at least, i know i need to get out of academia & into a minimally demanding job that pays the bills & allows me time + space to heal

i put a lot of pressure on myself to create art. a lot of this is because i've been told i'm good at it, that my art is necessary. i rly don't think i can use it being necessary to others as a justification for doing it; it has to be necessary to me

this thread is a mess

like me

today was absolutely awful & i need to be held