This thread will be TMI and (as usual with me) will contain a fair amount of swearing. You've been warned.

So, in an attempt to remove reliance on toilet paper, I bought a top of the line, luxury toilet seat bidet thing. Here's the story of how that went wrong. [1/n]

First things first, I had to remove the old seat, disconnect the water for the toilet, and install a T adapter on the water line. No big deal really; only took a few minutes. Now, I'm a clever person and I knew I should test things in parts, rather than as a whole unit. [2/n]

Once the T adapter was in, I turned the water on just a hair to make sure there were no leaks. Two things became clear very quickly: 1) Water pressure is way higher than I thought it was, and 2) I didn't have anything on the other side of the T. Except me. [3/n]

It took about half a second to realize this and close the valve again, but I was already absolutely soaked. Bet I'll never make that mistake again. Laughed about it and cleaned up, then moved on to putting the actual toilet seat on. [4/n]

Got it mounted and hooked up, no leaks this time. Went to plug it in and ... It didn't reach. The measurements I made when buying it were assuming the power was on the other side, so it was a couple inches short. Okay, power strip. [5/n]

Finally, it all seems good. Time to test it out. Turn it on and I very quickly realize: it defaults to the highest possible pressure. What in the fuck. [6/n]

I'm at a loss for how they came to the conclusion that it was the best default. It was a literal pressure-washer to the anus. Add grit and I would've been sliced in two, Bond-villain-style. And of course, I didn't know where the stop button was. No raised indicators. [7/n]

Lesson learned: check the settings and learn the buttons on anything that you use while sensitive bits are exposed. I hope you can learn this second-hand instead of having to go through it yourself. Good luck, and keep your anus safe. [8/8]