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84/
In the light from those two small torches we've got
- a demon gleaming
- chitin gleaming
- gilded edge of armor reflected "like gold sunlight"
- highlighted maroon loincloth
- demon gleams (again)
are we in a dark foul pit, or do we have intense sunlight ?
In the light from those two small torches we've got
- a demon gleaming
- chitin gleaming
- gilded edge of armor reflected "like gold sunlight"
- highlighted maroon loincloth
- demon gleams (again)
are we in a dark foul pit, or do we have intense sunlight ?
85/
author wants to have his cake and eat it too - he wants grimdark atmospherics, but he also wants to describe every color and texture, the markings on the armor, the color of the 50 caliber pistol
Watch Alien or Aliens. The horror comes from the darkness and uncertainty.
author wants to have his cake and eat it too - he wants grimdark atmospherics, but he also wants to describe every color and texture, the markings on the armor, the color of the 50 caliber pistol
Watch Alien or Aliens. The horror comes from the darkness and uncertainty.
86/
BA could go in that direction - the demon backs out of the flickering torchlight, hiding in the dark. A hint of movement, the hero pivots left - but, no, another hint from the right. He spins, uncertain - and then the rush of movement comes from behind!
BA could go in that direction - the demon backs out of the flickering torchlight, hiding in the dark. A hint of movement, the hero pivots left - but, no, another hint from the right. He spins, uncertain - and then the rush of movement comes from behind!
87/
or BA could go in the opposite direction: a dozen torches, the demon has been denied its hiding spot in the shadow. Hero lights two more and tosses them. The light of the torch, burning at his feet, reflects off the gold filigree on his armor.
or BA could go in the opposite direction: a dozen torches, the demon has been denied its hiding spot in the shadow. Hero lights two more and tosses them. The light of the torch, burning at his feet, reflects off the gold filigree on his armor.
88/
excellent tip from @JASutherlandBks here: you can throw any detail you want in, as long as it's MOTIVATED https://twitter.com/JASutherlandBks/status/1253036370496499712
excellent tip from @JASutherlandBks here: you can throw any detail you want in, as long as it's MOTIVATED https://twitter.com/JASutherlandBks/status/1253036370496499712
89/
You can have the hero's attention diverse from the reader's attention, if you want, but everything will work better if the two are close to unified.
To do that, bring the hero's attention to bear on anything you need to know about.
You can have the hero's attention diverse from the reader's attention, if you want, but everything will work better if the two are close to unified.
To do that, bring the hero's attention to bear on anything you need to know about.
90/
Tumithak of the Corridors notices the pit in the corner of the room when it is integral to his plan.
Tumithak of the Corridors notices the pit in the corner of the room when it is integral to his plan.
92/
Two points about requiring description to be "motivated" (and by motivated, I mean roughly what, say, a DP or director means about lighting in a movie - is this light coming from the sun / in through a window / from a mechanic's drop light?) :
Two points about requiring description to be "motivated" (and by motivated, I mean roughly what, say, a DP or director means about lighting in a movie - is this light coming from the sun / in through a window / from a mechanic's drop light?) :
93/
first: when this rule is applied, it PRUNES some description. If you can't find a motivation to justify explaining the color of the hero's shield, then you don't do so, and that's good - it was, apparently , extraneous, and removing it is the right call
first: when this rule is applied, it PRUNES some description. If you can't find a motivation to justify explaining the color of the hero's shield, then you don't do so, and that's good - it was, apparently , extraneous, and removing it is the right call
94/
second, if you CAN find a motivation, then you solve two problems at once, and you achieve economy
think about the scene where Luke is fighting the monster in the cave on the ice planet Hoth
when do we get a close up of the light saber?
second, if you CAN find a motivation, then you solve two problems at once, and you achieve economy
think about the scene where Luke is fighting the monster in the cave on the ice planet Hoth
when do we get a close up of the light saber?
95/
Not two scenes earlier in the hanger.
Not when the cave scene starts.
We don't hear or see that the light saber is silvery, or has rings carved into it merely as background information.
We get a close up of the saber when it's PLOT RELEVANT
Not two scenes earlier in the hanger.
Not when the cave scene starts.
We don't hear or see that the light saber is silvery, or has rings carved into it merely as background information.
We get a close up of the saber when it's PLOT RELEVANT
96/
Luke tries to free his feet, tries to reach the saber with his arms, and decides to use the Force.
At this point the camera focuses on the saber. And not even to show off its colors, but to
- focus OUR attention on it
- to show the FORCE twitch it and move it
Luke tries to free his feet, tries to reach the saber with his arms, and decides to use the Force.
At this point the camera focuses on the saber. And not even to show off its colors, but to
- focus OUR attention on it
- to show the FORCE twitch it and move it
97/
We see, in passing, that the light saber is cylindrical, knurled, has a D ring and two rivets at the bottom - but that's not the POINT of the scene. The POINT of the scene is
- danger
- salvation (out of reach)
- hope
- technical mastery of skill
only in SERVICE to that
We see, in passing, that the light saber is cylindrical, knurled, has a D ring and two rivets at the bottom - but that's not the POINT of the scene. The POINT of the scene is
- danger
- salvation (out of reach)
- hope
- technical mastery of skill
only in SERVICE to that
98/
do we, in passing, get the mostly useless detail that the light saber is silver
do we, in passing, get the mostly useless detail that the light saber is silver
100/
(damnit @JASutherlandBks !)
There are so many stories where I remember tons of details - the smell, the cracks in the walls, the color of the helmets ... and then I go back, and I re-read ... and NONE of these were in the story!
The reader will fill in colors.
(damnit @JASutherlandBks !)
There are so many stories where I remember tons of details - the smell, the cracks in the walls, the color of the helmets ... and then I go back, and I re-read ... and NONE of these were in the story!
The reader will fill in colors.
101/
Elmore Leonard has an adage "don't write the parts that people skip".
Similarly: "don't write the parts that people are entirely willing to fill in on their own".
Elmore Leonard has an adage "don't write the parts that people skip".
Similarly: "don't write the parts that people are entirely willing to fill in on their own".
102/
In my novels I thought a lot about a lot of the technical details. I took out lots of description. I don't think I ever mentioned, for example, the color of the space suits. That doesn't mean that I didn't have ideas. But you, the reader, filled that in.
In my novels I thought a lot about a lot of the technical details. I took out lots of description. I don't think I ever mentioned, for example, the color of the space suits. That doesn't mean that I didn't have ideas. But you, the reader, filled that in.
103/
maybe they were white
maybe they were white
104/
maybe they were orange
maybe they were orange
105/
I mentioned it in passing in one place, where the militia raised by Red Stripe painted the red stripes black ... but that wasn't because I cared, but because I wanted an "equipping" scene showing a civilian economy preparing for / transitioning to war footing
I mentioned it in passing in one place, where the militia raised by Red Stripe painted the red stripes black ... but that wasn't because I cared, but because I wanted an "equipping" scene showing a civilian economy preparing for / transitioning to war footing
106/
color mattered because MOOD and PLOT matter, not because COLOR matters on its own
the somber painting over of a cheery warm color with a dark color symbolic of death is fitting for an unwanted war
color mattered because MOOD and PLOT matter, not because COLOR matters on its own
the somber painting over of a cheery warm color with a dark color symbolic of death is fitting for an unwanted war
107/
The scene was set on a soccer field.
Same thing - England commandeers small pleasure boats to rescue soldiers - hotels are turned into hospitals.
The colors were MOTIVATED by the demands of plot and emotional truth.
The scene was set on a soccer field.
Same thing - England commandeers small pleasure boats to rescue soldiers - hotels are turned into hospitals.
The colors were MOTIVATED by the demands of plot and emotional truth.
108/
Aside from that use of color in space suits, it doesn't matter at all to the plot if they're white or orange, and you the reader can fill in a mental image that works for you, so I tried to leave it up to you.
Aside from that use of color in space suits, it doesn't matter at all to the plot if they're white or orange, and you the reader can fill in a mental image that works for you, so I tried to leave it up to you.
110/
There are tons of details in Aristillus. I'm not a minimalist.
I cut out about 2/3 of the details I wanted to have, and what I left in was probably 10x what I should have had.
...but I'll say this. What's there is MOSTLY motivated by plot or character.
There are tons of details in Aristillus. I'm not a minimalist.
I cut out about 2/3 of the details I wanted to have, and what I left in was probably 10x what I should have had.
...but I'll say this. What's there is MOSTLY motivated by plot or character.
111/
At three points the "camera" lingers on the catwalks, cables, and conduits overhead in the tunnels.
One of these is plot relevant: an infiltration team is planting a bomb that will collapse a ceiling.
At three points the "camera" lingers on the catwalks, cables, and conduits overhead in the tunnels.
One of these is plot relevant: an infiltration team is planting a bomb that will collapse a ceiling.
112/
One of these is character relevant and backstory: Mike Martin is riding his motorcycle somewhere, early on in the book and is paying attention to infrastructure. It explains that he's a sperg who likes machines, and it smuggles in backstory about how he founded the city.
One of these is character relevant and backstory: Mike Martin is riding his motorcycle somewhere, early on in the book and is paying attention to infrastructure. It explains that he's a sperg who likes machines, and it smuggles in backstory about how he founded the city.
113/
And the third time is at the crux of book 2, where Mike has been taken captive, is being brought back to Earth, and will be tried and sentenced. His gaze lingers on the details, drinking it all in, his eyes getting moist realizingthis is his last view ever of what he loves
And the third time is at the crux of book 2, where Mike has been taken captive, is being brought back to Earth, and will be tried and sentenced. His gaze lingers on the details, drinking it all in, his eyes getting moist realizingthis is his last view ever of what he loves
114/
...and even then, as he looks at the conduits and lighting panels, no words are wasted on the colors or filigree. If you pictured the lighting panels while reading it, great. If not, great.
Either way, you got as much as you needed for the story to work.
...and even then, as he looks at the conduits and lighting panels, no words are wasted on the colors or filigree. If you pictured the lighting panels while reading it, great. If not, great.
Either way, you got as much as you needed for the story to work.
115/
This is pretty decent.
As I wrote I tried to set each scene and PoV hard in the first paragraph. I aimed to always deliver the PoV character's name and then had that character observe at least two sensory details about the scene. https://twitter.com/Laserpig_Utopia/status/1253048365752909824
This is pretty decent.
As I wrote I tried to set each scene and PoV hard in the first paragraph. I aimed to always deliver the PoV character's name and then had that character observe at least two sensory details about the scene. https://twitter.com/Laserpig_Utopia/status/1253048365752909824
116/
The sky above the spaceport was as black as a freshly bored lunar
tunnel before the lights were installed. Earth hung overhead, the
once-bright cities...glowing dimly w
low-energy bulbs and rolling brown-outs. Except California.
California was dark.
Mike Martin squinted
The sky above the spaceport was as black as a freshly bored lunar
tunnel before the lights were installed. Earth hung overhead, the
once-bright cities...glowing dimly w
low-energy bulbs and rolling brown-outs. Except California.
California was dark.
Mike Martin squinted
117/
chapter 2:
The taupe-carpeted corridor that ran down the center of the West Wing
was quiet. Senator Linda Haig looked at her watch. Almost half an
hour late. Hardly surprising; that woman was never -
chapter 2:
The taupe-carpeted corridor that ran down the center of the West Wing
was quiet. Senator Linda Haig looked at her watch. Almost half an
hour late. Hardly surprising; that woman was never -
118/
chapter 3
Allan looked up. The next handhold was just a short reach up the
wall. He stretched for it - and the suit alarm went off.
Damn it.
He silenced the warble tone, cleared the flashing "overheating"
chapter 3
Allan looked up. The next handhold was just a short reach up the
wall. He stretched for it - and the suit alarm went off.
Damn it.
He silenced the warble tone, cleared the flashing "overheating"
119/
Each of these has a few adjectives, a few sensory images. Chapter 1 is a bit of an outlier, with more detail than the others, because I have to drop the reader in media res, explaining a moon colony, an Earth in economic decline, etc. all in 1 paragraph.
Each of these has a few adjectives, a few sensory images. Chapter 1 is a bit of an outlier, with more detail than the others, because I have to drop the reader in media res, explaining a moon colony, an Earth in economic decline, etc. all in 1 paragraph.
120/
Chapter 2 announces "taupe carpeted...West Wing... quiet".
Tell me you didn't fill in the off-white walls, the wainscotting, the tasteful end tables with lamps, the plaster work on the ceiling.
I said enough ; you pictured it.
Chapter 2 announces "taupe carpeted...West Wing... quiet".
Tell me you didn't fill in the off-white walls, the wainscotting, the tasteful end tables with lamps, the plaster work on the ceiling.
I said enough ; you pictured it.
121/
Chapter 3, mountain climbing on the moon - you've seen Apollo photos. You've seen rock climbing. You've seen bulky space suit gloves. You can supply the dust being knocked off of the stone finger holds, the chalky gray / white rocks, the dark clefts.
I don't need to.
Chapter 3, mountain climbing on the moon - you've seen Apollo photos. You've seen rock climbing. You've seen bulky space suit gloves. You can supply the dust being knocked off of the stone finger holds, the chalky gray / white rocks, the dark clefts.
I don't need to.
