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Siiiiiiigh... I've put this off long enough. It's time to watch the live-action Bratz movie.
Real-time thoughts to follow in this thread. The movie's free on YouTube if you want to watch along with me. (You don't)
Real-time thoughts to follow in this thread. The movie's free on YouTube if you want to watch along with me. (You don't)
An hour and forty-one minutes. I regret this decision already.
Credits are in pink Comic Sans. Repeat, we have Comic Sans.
"and Jon Voight"
How prescient. The movie opens with the Bratz on a Zoom call while they say sassy things and plan their outfits.
The Bratz are racially diverse. Got it. Slipping in words like "chica" and "niña"? Cool. But does this girl need a full mariachi band in her kitchen? (This really happened, and it hasn't been explained yet.)
The girls are huddling up to compare plans on their way into school. One says she's looking forward to science class, which is met with a record scratch. "Work that I.Q., girl, but don't lose your passion for fashion."
Floofy dog in a pink purse? Check.
What are they setting up with the security cameras and guards monitoring this school? Really hoping for an Orwellian turn in the third act.
Science Class Bratz mixes chemicals, producing CGI fireworks and impressing her classmates. "Wow, a Bernoulli Effect!"
A different power-pop song that no one has ever heard plays every four seconds.
And we have our first MySpace reference.
The Bratz are the good guys. The popular girls are the bad guys. I can't tell them apart. How do all of the racially diverse Bratz look identical?
Of course. The purse dog's name is Paris.
I'm about half an hour into this movie, and I haven't mentioned anything about plot. I'm not sure the blame falls on me.
It's fine. Who needs a plot or characters when you have a food fight set to public-domain classical music?
It's fine. Who needs a plot or characters when you have a food fight set to public-domain classical music?
Alright, let's see if I can make sense of what's happening.
The Bratz are four (?) friends. When they get to high school, they get divided into cliques and stop spending time together. Then they decide to be friends again.
The Bratz are four (?) friends. When they get to high school, they get divided into cliques and stop spending time together. Then they decide to be friends again.
There's also a popular girl who hates them for some reason, and a deaf boy who's going to learn to be a DJ.
This girl and her mom* are singing La Cucaracha. Diversity.
*I'm not actually sure if she's the mom. All I know is she sells the girl shoes for chocolate.
*I'm not actually sure if she's the mom. All I know is she sells the girl shoes for chocolate.
"I love MySpace!"
The jocks can't solve (x+y+z)/3, probably because that doesn't mean anything without additional context, so instead they solve for touchdown plus extra point plus field goal, and then they all do end zone dances.
"Don't you need a license to be that ugly?"
"Ooh, I like 'em feisty!"
This is an exchange between a teen boy and a nine year-old girl.
"Ooh, I like 'em feisty!"
This is an exchange between a teen boy and a nine year-old girl.
Shopping montage!
This movie was made by space aliens.
Deaf boy is explaining that speakers produce vibrations. This is the second time in this movie someone has been amazed to learn that they can feel a speaker vibrate.
Baking montage! The girls didn't understand what a cookie cutter was before the music started, but then they got frostibg on their cheeks, and now they've made a kitchen full of professional-quality party treats.
The Bratz are clowns now. I hate this.
